Legislators Urged To Deliver Tax Rebates Before Satellite Strikes, Ends Life On Earth
The news from scientists has been grim this week: “Powerless satellite to crash to Earth.” Though the exact location and time of the rogue satellite's earthen impact cannot be ascertained, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is urging the Senate to pass the President's proposed economic stimulus package swiftly before all life and civilization is rubbed out.
“Our scientists have determined that a satellite the size of Texas is without navigational capabilities and will crash into the earth sometime before the next Congressional recess,” Paulson said to lawmakers on Friday. "We believe that this could worsen our chances of a recession."
Whereas the package proposed by President Bush and passed by the House was originally meant to spur economic growth and prevent a full-blown recession, the urgency is even greater now in order for Americans to fully take advantage of their lives before they are prematurely ended.
“This package needs to be ratified so that Americans can finally afford that cruise ship vacation they've always wanted before this calamity blocks out that Caribbean sun,” said Paulson, “or to pay for that hooker and that shot of H[eroin] that Americans have always wanted ‘just to see what it's like'."
"For those who haven't experienced that yet," he added, "it's something that should not be missed.”
The Senate has heretofore resisted acquiescence to the House and the President regarding the bill, citing lack of support to low-income households and the jobless. Some Democratic Senators, despite the Administration's admonitions, continue to bicker over such minutia as offering the homeless a free crack rock and clean glass dick for one last trip to the stars as disaster looms.
Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that he wanted the Senate to have greater input to the bill before passing it, “because many of our constituents are being ignored, like the single-mother who always wondered what the meth craze was all about, but never could indulge herself because of the high cost of baby food and health insurance.”
Nevertheless, even Reid acknowledged that the time is now to pass the bill because, “the American people's patience to be irresponsible and destructive like there was no literal tomorrow may be running out.”
The Administration had planned on getting the rebates out in May, but with news of the impending global conflagration, the onus, says Paulson, lies on the Senate to move more swiftly than previously needed.
“We may not be around in May,” he reminded legislators, “and just think how disappointed the children of this nation will be if they die before having a [Nintendo] Wii of their very own. Do it for the children.”
The Senate is considering such additions as access to blowjobs for men of employment age who can produce documentation of virginity, and mandatory unprotected sex with their boyfriends for female teens still living at home. Republicans, however, warned that complicating the bill with new elements would only delay its passage and dilute its effectiveness, especially if impact occurs earlier than expected.
Even some Republicans are pushing for additions to the legislation. Mike Huckabee has lobbied to include support for public works improvements, including naked nymphs dancing in all public fountains; Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) also asked that additional funds be diverted to the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport for bathroom maintenance, “in case I make a surprise visit before impact.”
Speedy action is being encouraged by the Administration, even though political experts are wary of announcing that a recession is eminent, and scientists remain undecided as to whether the satellite's impact will spew a sun-blocking cloud of radioactive dust into the atmosphere, or fall harmlessly in some farmer's field in Indiana.
Nonetheless, the bill looks to receive heavy debate in the Senate, while Democrats lobby for public access to the nourishing flesh of those initially killed but not incinerated by impact so the living may endure until the earth becomes hospitable enough to repopulate.