Bush Submits $2.9 Trillion Budget For War, Perpetual Motion Machine

Pictured: the President presents his meticulous calculations to Congress.

President Bush submitted a $2.9 trillion budget spending plan to Congress today, committing large sums of money to both the war in Iraq and pursuit of the development of a perpetual motion machine, the latter of which has long confounded man by appearing to be impossible to construct under the laws of thermodynamics.

Although such a device does not seem likely to be built, the President said that it's important that the U.S. try, so as not to send mixed messages to the small percentage of the population who still believe it can be done.

"We can't abandon these scientists on the front lines," he said. "This is a battle against nature that we will win, and we can't win by giving up."

The President also said that not including support for the perpetual motion machine would encourage and embolden enemies of the U.S., such as physics.

"If we give up on this today, our freedoms may be compromised tomorrow," he warned. "The innate physical properties of materials that we take for granted may suddenly transform as the laws of physics realize that we are not prepared to stand up and fight them."

Acknowledging that his budget plan is controversial, he preemptively reached out to Democrats, who technically control the Congress if you look at the numbers.

"I know some here may not agree with this plan, but I encourage you to work with me to reach an agreement," he said. "This is not the time to play petty politics. Our enemies in nature are counting on you to come to terms with what I want to do."

Enemies of the United States are evidently a large concern of the President, with national defense occupying the second-largest piece of the budget pie. Proponents of the plan say that only through significant spending can situations like the current war against the concept of a finite energy system be resolved.

The significant amount of money earmarked for national security could also be used for the pursuit of alchemy, phrenology, and studies to see whether or not the smog that comes out of cars when they drive is man-made.

"Our nation is at war with at least 45 different things by our last count," said White House spokesman Tony Fratto. "Battling these things costs money. We can skimp on the budget and provide a little more fiscal support to domestic programs, but that wouldn't do us much good when our continent literally lifts off the Earth and floats away into space because we didn't invest in large chains to hold it down."

When these wars will be over, the White House is unwilling to say; making timetables for such things, says the President, could actually cause harm to the country.

"We believe that the creation of timetables for almost anything is inherently dangerous to national security," he said. "It scientific terms, it creates a 'jinx' on what we're trying to accomplish, effectively stopping us from ever accomplishing the thing that we wanted to accomplish."

The budget, which is seen by most analysts as a political statement not seriously intended or expected to pass, cost taxpayers millions to develop, print, and distribute. The cost of the budget and the development of the real budget is not expected to be factored in to the real budget as it is being created, thus possibly necessitating a third budget.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: