Obama Administration Moves To Re-Classify 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight' Relationship
The Obama administration is fighting to re-classify the sordid details of marital difficulties between the titular stars of TV's "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", claiming that if the scandal remains in the public eye for much longer, the nation's troops, security, and even economy could be at risk.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says that although the President is committed to transparency in government, "some things are better left unknown".
"After reviewing the level of enthusiasm with which people are following this news, the President now believes that enemy soldiers, enraged that the U.S. is so enthralled with reality show stars, may attack our troops with greater ferocity," explained Gibbs. "For this reason, we must insist that everyone forget about wondering whether or not Kate cheated on Jon, and just go back to our normal lives."
Concern over the fate of the couple, who are famous because they had a bunch of children, could also slow the economic recovery the administration is hoping to continue.
"Already, we're seeing unemployment numbers climb as people volunteer to be laid off so that they have more time to track pictures of Kate's new haircut," said David W. James, Assistant Secretary of Labor. "The government needs to move swiftly to classify these incendiary photographs before it's too late."
James said the only potential silver lining to the situation is the creation of jobs related to tracking Jon and Kate's activities, via blogs and perhaps a few small businesses, but he stressed that he also uses a lot of drugs these days.
Many are applauding the Obama administration's new position, including those opposed to gay marriage, who say that homosexuals coming together dissolved the fabric of Jon and Kate's marriage.
"We need to leave Jon and Kate alone," opined newly-crowned Miss California Carrie Prejean, "and stop gay people from ever looking at one another. One way to do this is by having Jesus construct a giant shame quilt that they all can wear, even though Satan will try and burn it up with his flaming sword."
The American Civil Liberties Union (A.C.L.U.), however, is fighting for the continued release of all information related to Jon and Kate, as well as any future developments on Octomom, a half-human, half-cephalopod who had eight children while unemployed, consequently requiring over $100 billion in federal stimulus money, and a large tank to flop around in.
"Pictures of Jon and his new girlfriend tell a story that words never could: namely, that Jon has a new girlfriend," said Amrit Singh, an A.C.L.U. lawyer. "The United States public has a right to this information, regardless of the damage it may cause to our international reputation and our lunchtime conversations at work."
Meanwhile, many other industrialized nations have voiced their concern with the U.S. releasing Jon and Kate information, saying that such actions are beneath the standards of modern society.
"I must say I'm surprised by these developments," said one British man. "I can tell you that we would never obsess over such a thing in Britain."
He later acknowledged that Britain did have "maybe like two tabloids, but still."