'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Headed For Repeal; Social Conservatives Have Angry Gay Sex In Protest
Outraged social conservatives, protesting the possibility of homosexuals being allowed to serve in the U.S. Army while being openly gay, marked this year's Memorial Day by staging hundreds of "Teabagging Parties" -- gatherings involving bouts of furious gay sex -- across the nation.
According to one out-of-breath demonstrator in Washington, D.C., the graphic protests are designed to show what could happen in the Army if "gay soldiers are allowed to hump each other all day."
"Yes, gays are already in the Army right now," admitted Reggie McGurty, one of the leaders of the D.C. area protest, as another man pretended to be gay by fondling McGurty's testicles. "But they aren't allowed to show it! If that happens, what you see happening between my legs will be the future of our once-proud-only secretly-gay Army."
Currently, the Army operates under the 'Don't ask, don't tell' (DADT) law, which bans homosexuals from fighting for their country if they don't pretend that they like vaginas. However, the House of Representatives voted last week to approve the repeal of the law, and the Senate is expected to approve a similar measure this summer, marking one of only two times in the past 13 months that the Senate has done anything whatsoever.
With DADT out of the picture, social conservatives fear that the Army could see openly gay members as early as next year, and consequently, the complete demise and fall of the U.S. in 2012 -- just as ancient Mayans predicted.
"We love our country so much, we're out here giving each other disgusting, unnatural pleasure," said McGurty, bending over. "And we'll keep at it until the government realizes that anyone who does things like this -- in real life -- is immoral, and has no business in the U.S. Army."
McGurty added, "HHRRRNNNNTTTT."
Besides "being/looking gross when they have sex", one of the main arguments that McGurty and his cohorts use against gays serving openly is the fact that once a homosexual is out of the closet, he may distract heterosexual soldiers, even to the point of playfully raping them in their sleep.
"I ask you this, America: can a man really fight against al-Qaeda when the night before, he awoke to find a penis in his mouth?" McGurty asked. "Having done this earlier today in the name of protest and freedom, I can confidently state that no, he cannot."
He spanked the buttocks of a nude man in front of him -- Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association -- to emphasize his point. Fischer closed his eyes and smiled in sheer pleasure in a fierce parody of what a real gay man might do upon being sexually spanked by another man.
McGurty also cited concerns about maintaining consistency in the Army in the midst of conflict, and suggested that Congress may want to delay the DADT repeal until after there are no U.S. troops anywhere in the world.
"Would I support it then? Maybe," said McGurty. "In a scenario where world peace broke out, and the U.S. dissolved its standing army along with the other nations of New Earth, then yes, I would accept open gays in the army."
"They still wouldn't be allowed to get married, though," he clarified. "I swear to God, I will stop that from ever happening in my lifetime, even if it means sleeping with 100 more men."