Democrats, Republicans Vow To Compromise, Create Ineffectual Healthcare Reform 'That Nobody Likes'
The nation has been preparing for a grueling debate on healthcare reform, but now lawmakers from both sides of the aisle say they're ready to put aside their differences -- and most of what they really want -- to help pass a middling, shitty bill that few people will enjoy or even care about.
Although President Obama spoke of sweeping reforms to the U.S. healthcare industry while on the campaign trail, even as some Republicans vowed to put a stop to it, most politicians agree that passing legislation reflective of their beliefs or core values is not a prudent action to take.
"For example, I'd really love to offer a government plan, but there's a key word in that sentence: 'I'," said Senate Chris Dodd (D-Conn.). "This thing isn't about what I or anyone else thinks is best. It's about making sure we pass a bill that, at the end of the day, we can all look at and say, 'Eh.'"
"If you ask me, not spending any money at all right now on healthcare reform would be the best course of action, but nobody's really asking me," agreed Senator Mike Enzi (R-Wy.). "We're all just sort of asking each other, 'What do you want? Now, what do you want that's kind of like that, but not really at all?'"
The effort seems to have more traction behind it than the infamous failed reform of the 90s, when President Clinton attempted to pass legislation by repeatedly fornicating with every single member of Congress until they agreed with him. Senator Baucus attributes this failure to "idea overload".
"The Senate floor is no place for grand visions or sweeping change," he said. "I signed up to be a Congressman, not a fancy circus trapeze artist."
The legislature went to great pains to make sure the final healthcare bill will emerge as tame and shiftless as possible, even going so far as to infect Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.), known for having alarmingly strong convictions about healthcare, with debilitating brain cancer, removing him from the debate.
President Obama said that he was first disappointed to hear that healthcare may stay relatively the same, but changed his attitude when he realized how well people are working together.
"The most important thing here is that our politicians have found some common ground: a place where they can agree that things are whatever, they just want to go home," he beamed. "This is the essence of politics in action."
Insurance companies, recently found by a poll conducted by insurance companies to be "the friendliest businesses there are", seem pleased, if not surprised, at the mediocre compromises Congress is planning.
"Gee...I mean, I guess it's okay if it ends up that the government isn't going to compete with us after all, but wow, that's a real shock," said one insurance broker, furiously biting his cheeks. "I never talk to -- what're they called? Politicians? -- so I wouldn't know."
It is estimated that nearly 70 million Americans have either no insurance or inadequate coverage. Some were questioned on their feelings about healthcare reform, but appeared to sick and/or poor to respond properly.