Politician Apologizes For You Being So Fucking Stupid
After accidentally emailing a terrible joke that insults over ten minorities to everyone in his email database, and not just his "Racist Contacts" list, a local politician has been forced to issue an apology for "the way my obviously joking and light-hearted comments were misconstrued."
In a statement, the politician explained that he was extremely sorry that everyone in the nation is so god damned retarded.
"I feel terrible that so many people are stupid enough that they have nothing better to do than to pick on me all day long," he said. "I sincerely regret that idiots like this exist, and I hope that this experience has taught us all a valuable lesson in the art of shutting the fuck up and letting me do what I need to, including but not limited to sending hilarious emails to my friends."
The apology has been generally well-received, with many supporters of the politician saying that it's refreshing to see someone in office own up to their mistakes for once.
"It takes a big man to apologize for his actions, and an even bigger man to apologize for the actions of everyone around him," said one area man satisfactorily. "I think now we can all put this business behind us, and try not to let it happen again."
Representatives for some of the minorities offended by the joke say that in light of the heartfelt apology, they now feel chagrined at their initial outrage.
"It's a little hard to tell because of my skin color, but rest assured, I'm blushing right now," said Reverend Jesse Jackson, an African-American, which was one group skewered -- in a joking way that's not serious and therefore not offensive -- by the joke. "That being said, I'm also relieved that this whole thing is just a joke that we read the wrong way. This apology makes it clear that nobody needs to be offended after all."
Jackson said the politician's penance would be reduced to only one television appearance on a cable news show to speak for a few minutes about loving black people.
White politicians in the U.S. were so moved by their colleague's apology that they quickly passed a Senate bill formally apologizing to African-Americans across the nation for "the way they took" slavery and inequality in the past.
"It is an atrocity that events happened that made some African-Americans feel that they were perhaps being taken advantage of," reads the new Official Slavery Apology. "We apologize for the fact that the actions of some of our forefathers were taken out of context, and we are truly sorry that some people can't just let this go."
Dr. Samson Frakes, prominent sociologist and author of the book "I'm Sorry I Hate You So Much: Apologies For Every Occasion", says that progressive steps like these are encouraging, and may mean that human relations will one day evolve beyond the need for apologies.
"I look forward to the day where I can finally call my wife a stupid fat-ass to her face, and she will just laugh good-naturedly at my joke, while realizing that all jokes have grains of truth in them, and that's what makes them good jokes," Frakes said. "Until then, unfortunately, all we can do is make comments like that online, behind the backs of the people we're making fun of, and apologize if they ever find out. It's the most civilized way of handling it that we've got."
Experts also say that the politician probably could have gotten by with rolling his eyes and saying, "Well, whatever," or "Jesus Christ."