Republican Governor Confesses To Having Affairs With Other Republicans; 'I Screwed Them All'
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, recently believed to have gone missing on a long, solitary hiking trip -- an acceptable and normal rite of passage for governors known as "I'll be gone for a few days, figure shit out yourselves" -- revealed today that he was actually in Nevada, having a torrid gay love affair with fellow Republican and Senator John Ensign.
"We were screwing each other, over and over again," Sanford said tearfully at a press conference.
In the end, Sanford confessed to affairs with over 100 prominent Republican politicians, including Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Florida Governor Charlie Crist's name was on the list, but was not a surprise to anyone.
"We tried to stop, we really did," said Sanford, "but in the end, practically the entire Republican party was just somehow drawn to fucking itself."
Sanford has thus far not resigned from his position, but sources indicate that he may do so in the near future, planning to go into the junk dealing business with his son, Lamont.
Many of the Republicans involved in the scandal were on the "short list" to run for President in 2012, an election widely regarded as meaningless, since it will take place only about a month before the Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayans, an ancient race of all-knowing geniuses. Nonetheless, the party is now desperately trying to find good potential candidates unscathed by the swath of affairs.
"We're thinking about [Massachusetts Governor and former Republican Presidential candidate] Mitt Romney again, assuming that he's done with all this 'I'm a Mormon' business," said one Republican strategist under the condition of anonymity. "Or [Alaska Governor] Sarah Palin, maybe, if she gets smarter. We have her playing that 'Brain Training' game on her Nintendo DS, and she's gotten pretty good at it."
A spokesperson for Palin confirmed that the Governor has indeed achieved success in drawing cute, winking puppies in the videogame.
Democrats, who are known for never having extramarital affairs, seemed pleased by the news, though many acknowledged that it won't help them much in their battle against their more prominent political adversary, other Democrats.
"If only I got caught having an affair," mused Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "That would really show myself and my party that Democrats just can't trust these Democrats."
Public opinion on the moral transgressions seems mixed, with many pointing out that although Governor Sanford did the wrong thing by cheating on his wife, he did the right thing in being honest about it, after keeping it a secret and lying about it.
"It takes a real man to, eventually, say he screwed up, and ask you for your forgiveness," said Lieutenant Governor André Bauer. "That's why I accept his apology, because if he never would have confessed to me and asked me for my apology, I just wouldn't have given it to him, because I couldn't have, because I wouldn't have known to."
Political scientists say that marital infidelity is one of the best barometers modern society has in determining the political value of elected officials; staying faithful to one's partner, as former President George W. Bush did, is a "true test of character, and therefore ability to govern," says Janice Freed, researcher at the Cato Institute.
"President Clinton had an affair in office, while President George W. Bush did not," Freed said. "I rest my case."
