Republicans Resist Democratic Proposal To Include Zombies In 2010 Census
Some still-living Republican lawmakers have claimed political motivations are behind the Democratic proposal to include zombies in the 2010 census, a move that is proving more controversial than initially thought.
Senator Tom Carper (D-DE) was the first to recommend that the living dead be counted, and says that knowing what percentage of the U.S. population is comprised of shambling, undead creatures could be useful.
"We cannot continue to ignore the growing numbers of zombies that have been streaming into our world ever since the Gates of Hell were shut, forcing the undead to wander amongst the living in search of fresh brains, as well as someone who might be able to help them reclaim their Social Security numbers," said Senator Carper. "Our model [for collecting population data] must be updated to account for the hundreds and thousands of citizens whose only 'crime' is becoming stricken by the Curse of the Lost, and changing into merciless, unthinking, carnivorous shells of their former selves."
Opponents to the measure have pointed out that counting the zombies could be a dangerous venture for census officials, as evidenced by the death of a Kentucky census worker found dead in a graveyard last month with the word "Mmmrrurrr" scrawled on his chest.
Though no official report has been made as to the cause of death, investigators stated that the teeth marks in the victim's skull indicate that the crime was not politically motivated, but perpetrated by brain-craving zombies. The suspected perpetrators are the three previous inhabitants of nearby graves that were found vacant.
Many have also accused Democrats of trying to use the zombie-count to political advantage.
"Zombies tend to be very difficult to recognize, usually distinguishable from one another only by their varying degrees of feculence, or by their burial robes," said representative Mark Kirk of Illinois. "A census worker may accidentally count the same zombie two, three, four times in one session, and since Democratic centers tend to be the most populous -- and thus have the highest zombie count -- the risk of over-representing the Unholy in these areas should be a serious concern for anyone interested in the Constitution and the good of our country."
"Oh, those damned beasts from hell... God have mercy on us!" added Kirk.
Some Republicans have even hinted that Democrats are hoping to extend voting rights to zombies, which most Democrats deny.
"There is absolutely no movement to register the Walking Dead to the Democratic Party," said Senator Carper. "I speak for all of my colleagues when I say that not only will we continue to deny zombies congressional representation, but will shoot in the head any of them that try to eat us or our families."
Carper went on, however, to stress the important role zombies play in the nation's society and economy. "We need answer to questions like 'When does a stricken person cease to be a citizen of the United States and become a zombie?'" stated Carper. "Only by counting their numbers can we hope to pass comprehensive legislation to learn more about these creatures, and to learn how long humanity can hold out against the anthropophagous horde of Lost Souls."
As the nation continues to grapple with an exploding zombie population, made worse by a proportional decline in the numbers of the living, both the legislators and the military are rushing to prevent zombies from over-running government centers, and from gaining too much support in the House and Senate.