Obama To Send 30,000 'Call Of Duty' Players To Afghanistan
President Obama announced Tuesday his plan to finally beat Afghanistan -- including its final boss, Mecha Bin Laden -- by deploying 30,000 players of the popular first-person shooter videogame Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 to the troubled region.
The game features both realistic graphics and a level that takes place in Afghanistan, making its players "near-experts" on fighting in the country, Obama said in a nationally-televised primetime speech.
The President explained that with the Taliban gaining momentum and learning to camp the country's vital ammo respawn points, the U.S. now needs to take "drastic action".
"Fortunately, even as most of our other industries have declined, a large number of our fine citizens have become world-renowned for their superior skills at murdering computerized soldiers," Obama said proudly. "Afghanistan's hopes now rest on them."
The 30,000 players were personally handpicked by Obama, who spent several weeks observing hundreds of thousands Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer matches.
"This process did take some time," Obama admitted, but went on to say it was vital that the nation pick only the top players, many of whom became skilled at the game after losing their jobs and getting extended unemployment benefits, which were passed solely to enable Modern Warfare 2 players to continue their training without having to worry about paying the rent.
"KillingDude90. FragYoFace. JohnMcCain. These and other top players will command battalions in Afghanistan, encouraging their soldiers to kill enough opponents in succession to trigger a kill streak reward," said Obama.
But some worry that continued U.S. involvement in the Middle East will only fuel more new Taliban recruits, sometimes referred to as "n00bs". This fear was echoed by some of the players, who are reluctant to battle these dangerously inexperienced soldiers.
"Ugh, the last thing I want is to fight a bunch of n00bs who end up suicide bombing me -- not because it was part of their strategy, but because they didn't understand how to operate the controls," lamented one player. "It would really just ruin the fun of the whole experience for me."
Reactions to Obama's plan were largely split down party lines, with many Democrats praising the surge of personnel to the Middle East, and a similar number of Republicans condemning it as an idea that "only an idiot would have".
Along with the promise of shipping gamers to the region, Obama vowed to begin withdrawing them a year later, with the expectation that at that point, the war will be beaten, or at the very least outdated and lame compared to newer, more exciting wars that could exist by then. The Taliban may be able to extend the fight, however, by purchasing additional expansion packs and downloadable content.
