Record-Breaking Winter Causes Gore To Rescind Global Warming Message
Conceding that rising global temperatures and the melting of the polar ice caps is just a myth, Al Gore publicly admitted today that record-breaking cold temperatures and voluminous snowfall across some parts of the nation prove that global warming is straight-up bullshit.
"No way is there such a thing as global warming with this sub- fucking-zero weather," said Gore to reporters as he hustled from his limousine to a luncheon for environmental specialist and experts at Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
"Christ, it must be negative sixty out here – where are the harmful UV rays that I’ve been talking about all this time?" he added on his way in the door.
Despite a tome of evidence to the contrary, the American people -- joined now by most environmental experts -- agree that the empirical evidence is overwhelming, and that it is so goddamn cold out that there's no way the glaciers are in retreat.
"If there's added methane in the atmosphere, I sure ain't seein' it," said mechanic Edward Hill of Normal, Indiana. "If global warming's such a problem, then I support it, because this cold weather just ain't natural."
While a handful of skeptics remain -- mostly from places like Phoenix and Tampa -- former environmentalists and supporters of clean-air technology admitted to obviously having been mistaken, or perhaps even mislead. Even those who are hesitant to admit that global warming is a bunch of hooey are still struggling with an explanation for this year's intense cold.
"It looks like my mother, who has never read a scientific journal in her whole life, was right all along when she said [about global warming], 'I think it's just the earth’s climate changing naturally like it has for thousands of years,'" acquiesced Dana Boeckman, who is studying for her PhD in environmental studies at the University of Denver. "I think that Dad told her that once, and he got it from some friend of his at work. Looks like that guy deserved the Nobel Peace Prize instead of Al [Gore]."
Boeckman expressed regret that all of the research her group has done isn't worth the paper it’s printed on, because this winter completely throws off the estimated 11-degree increase in the earth's temperature by 2100.
"Hell, if we include this year's temperature information in the data set, we'll probably be at -20 Fahrenheit by decade's end, if we're lucky," added the graduate student who is glad that, at least, the truth is now known.
Al Gore has, in an attempt to preserve his credibility as a conduit for scientific information to the masses, has reached out to long-time critics of his campaign against global warming.
At a news conference at Chicago's Center for Green Technology, Gore stated, "The people have spoken, and we're here to say 'we hear you'. Despite the best efforts of our scientists to predict what the effects of increased levels of CO2 in the atmosphere, deforestation and pollution would have on the environment, no one could have seen the winter of 2008 coming. So to everyone who has to bundle up on [Cubs] opening day, and generally put up with this nasty weather despite my assurances that the Earth's climate would increase five degrees by 2010, I say to you: I'm sorry – you were right to complain about me being alarmist."
As part of the Q&A session, Gore added, "God, it is cold in here. Can someone turn up the thermostat, or is this place heated by thermal energy or some hippie shit? Screw it."
When asked by reporters about the causes of increased weather-related catastrophes and significant temperature fluctuations, Gore attributed them to "just a fluke that can probably be explained by studying the historical patterns of 'extreme' weather. If anything, it's just that God is angry.”