Area Man Blinded With Science

Local man William Bunford was reportedly struck temporarily blind via science yesterday, prompting a state-wide investigation into the case that is believed to eventually reach a federal, country-wide level, according to Pennsylvania state officials.

Bunford, who is being kept for observation at a local hospital but is reportedly healthy, says he was driving his car to the grocery store when the incident occurred.

"I was driving around a corner to head to the store, just like I always do," he said. "But something was different this time. It was science."

As Bunford rounded the curve, a woman driving the opposite direction happened to position her car at such an angle that the sun's beams were refracted off of it, shining into Bunford's eyes and rendering him temporarily blind.

"I'm sure that lady didn't mean to do it, but the glare from her car shined right into my eyes, thanks to science letting the light bounce all over the place," Bunford said. "She blinded me with this science."

Bunford's car careened into a ditch, luckily only sustaining minor damages, much like Bunford himself, who was not seriously injured in the incident. But health officials worry that science could strike again elsewhere in a more severe fashion.

"There is nothing here that suggests this is an isolated incident," said one official. "Science is widespread enough that it could potentially harm almost all of us through some means."

Examples of potential attacks from science include water boiling from science and burning someone, building collapses due to the science of gravity, murders assisted by science enabling chemical reactions within the barrels of guns, and many more.

In fact, the official said, science could have many more attacks to its credit than are currently on record.

"I have a feeling that many injuries and fatalities we hear about are actually science-related," she said grimly. "It's time to use our 21st century knowledge to get to the bottom of these."

The problem with investigating the attacks, however, is that science is often used in criminal investigations, potentially sabotaging any research to be done.

"Our crime labs are now useless to us," claimed one member of the Pennsylvania State Police. "For all we know, science could be skewing the results of our tests to make it look like someone else was to blame, like God or black people."

Some members of severely religious groups are claiming that they were aware of the perils of science "all along", and that now it is too late to heed their warnings.

"People wanted to pursue science instead of religion, and now look where it has them: being struck blind by Satan's Science Imps," asserted one local woman. "I guess now, people will finally realize the perils of believing in evolution."

President Bush has pledged his full support to Pennsylvania in pursuing the science menace, and has promised federal aid if necessary.

"Our hopes and prayers are with our friends in PA," he said. "That's right, prayers. Take that, science!"

Currently, the only public lead PA officials have is the questioning of 80's musician Thomas Dolby, who perplexingly seems to have had advance knowledge of the science attack on William Bunford over a decade before it actually happened.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: