Laptop Has More Personality Than User

The Toshiba laptop with Windows XP and CD burner purchased by Brad Dupree in January of 2004 has developed a more engaging and robust personality than the owner himself possesses, say friends and family.

From the witty sound byte that announces that Windows XP has fully booted down to the "Ren and Stimpy" screen saver to the fantastically humorous "Office Space" wallpaper, the portable computer has proven to be more amusing and charming at parties than its proprietor.

"We were sitting around at Dupree's pad, and absolutely nothing was happening until that laptop came out," said Jim Janowyckz, acquaintance of Dupree and visitor, who added that he visits "sometimes, but only when life sucks." "Then he turns [the laptop] on, and the thing announces [line from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation] 'Shitter was full!', which was way more hilarious than anything else that Dupree said that night. I tell you, I'd take that thing to the ballgame before I give away a perfectly good ticket to Brad."

Janowyckz stated that the computer is equipped with various sound bytes from movies ranging from "The Big Lebowski" to "The Godfather" to "Ron Jeremy and the Temple of Poon", "which is a hell of a bigger load of laughs than listening to Brad talk about the sour cream that he just bought at the store for a deal."

Other objects belonging to the personality-free Dupree, such as his cell phone and crock pot, have also eclipsed their owner in both style and substance. The cell phone that rings to the tune of "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd supplies his environment with more tongue-in-cheek humor and irony than any of Dupree's comments, witticisms or observations, says Janowyckz.

"[Fellow party-goer] Todd [Rouse] said something about the new season of the Simpsons being sub-par so Dupree goes, 'Yeah, it's, like, uh, not that good, I guess'," explained Janowyckz. "I mean, he's so ineffectual that no one even notices stuff that he says, but then suddenly his phone busts into the pre-grunge ironically-retro tune of 'I Wanna Sex You Up' – that brings the house down."

As Dupree continues to purchase goods and services that all have a more profound and lasting emotional effect on friends and guests than does the man himself, not only is his microscopic personality being overshadowed, but is completely reliant on his collection of material possessions.

"Yeah, I just, uh, got a subscription to, uh, 'Men's Life' and, uh, 'Backpacker' magazine," said Dupree in an annoyingly slow voice that really bothered this reporter, who found himself wishing for an impeccably timed sound byte from Star Trek: The Next Generation that could only be supplied by a window being maximized on Dupree's laptop. "Uh, no, I mean 'Men's Health', probably."

Not sure of what to do next, Dupree went on to say, "Uh, um," and then scratched his nose.

Moments spent paging through the magazines have been referred to by friends and relatives as being the highlight of visits to Dupree's, second only to the attention-demanding and commanding laptop.

"The magazines are a good distraction after we all get tired of the laptop," Janowyckz said. "Brad could really improve his personality with a high-def plasma set, though."

"Well, I am thinking about getting a new coffee maker," said Dupree in a separate statement as he booted up his computer to show this interviewer his wireless internet service. Though Dupree's computer could only make choice statements, and only when explicitly commanded, all were brilliant and hilarious in their poignancy and comic delivery.

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