Governor Schwarzenegger Protests NASA Mars Mission Due To 'Dangerous Mutants And Dictators'
Though viewed as enormously positive by proponents of the US space program, the news that a NASA probe has successfully landed on Mars and established radio contact with Earth does not sit well with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who condemned the news as "very troubling".
"No good for humankind can come of this news," he said at a press conference this morning, sweat pouring down his face. "We must leave the Red Planet immediately."
Schwarzenegger's wariness comes from his own personal travels to Mars at the beginning of the 90's (though a DVD account of his journey was currently released on video), where, he says, he observed a planet under tyrannical rule from a ruthless dictator, Vilos Cohaagen.
"Vilos Cohaagen is an evil man who keeps the friendly mutants on Mars enslaved to do his bidding," Schwarzenegger warned. "But he can also change reality at will. Unless NASA has equipped their probe with plenty of laser cannons and ammunition, Cohaagen will destroy it, and then Earth."
A spokesperson for NASA admitted that the probe was unarmed, but also expressed confusion towards Schwarzenegger's remarks.
"With all due respect to the governor, NASA has no record of any human being ever setting foot on Mars," the spokesperson said. "That sounds like something out of a science fiction movie."
But when The EV related this comment to Schwarzenegger, he merely gave a knowing smile.
"Oh, that's what I thought at first, too," he said. "I was told by Rekall, Inc that with memory implants, I would be taking a vacation in my mind to Mars, 'remembering' things I had never really seen. They told me it would not actually be real. But guess what? The memory transplant went horribly wrong, and I ended up with my wife, Sharon Stone, trying to kill me, and having to journey to Mars for real to rescue the mutants driven underground by the evil dictator."
After a few moments of silence from the press, Schwarzenegger asked, "What?"
Schwarzenegger's comments drew interest from President Bush, who expressed concern that Vilos Cohaagen could be a terrorist.
"Someone operating from Mars could have an advantage in launching terroristic attacks on the United States," Bush said with concern.
When reminded that the entire Earth would be vulnerable to such attacks and not just the US, Bush repeated, "Right, the United States. The planet. Do I have to spell it out with Alphabits?"
Bush then proceeded to spell out "Uniitad Stitez" with a nearby bowl of Alphabits cereal, presumably ending the press conference.
Terrorist or not, Schwarzenegger is convinced that Cohaagen is a threat to the planet, and gave the press a number of details about the alleged despot, including identifying one of his main henchmen, a mysterious man known only as "Richter".
"This Richter is bad news," Schwarzenegger said. "I want all people with the last name of 'Richter' in California to be jailed immediately. We cannot take any chances here."
Some commented that this move would be akin to the infamous Japanese containment camps in the US decades ago, a move linked to World War II and the beginnings of the Red Scare. Strangely, Schwarzenegger seemed to agree with the comparisons.
"Yes, Red Scare, exactly!" he shouted. "We should all be frightened of Mars, the Red Menace!"
At press time, Schwarzenegger was reportedly requesting that the National Guard become involved in his crusade against Mars, as well as considering the cybernetic resurrection of Senator Joseph McCarthy to assist him in his quest to round up US citizens with the last name of Richter.