LiveJournal User Upset That No One Took His Suicidal Poetry Seriously
15 year-old Gunther Wilkens, also known as "AngstSoulBlackSad56" on popular Internet blogging service LiveJournal.com, is "extremely upset" due to nobody treating his self-described "obviously suicidal and disturbing" poetry seriously at all, he revealed in a candid exclusive interview.
Wilkens, who currently attends Upper Hill High School located in an upper class neighborhood in Clear Falls, MN, told us that despite his best efforts, his poetry has failed to elicit even an ounce of sympathy or concern from anyone he knows.
"No asking if I'm okay or if there's something I need to talk about, no quiet suggestions that I should think about seeing the guidance counselor -- not even asking if I was considering cutting or shooting myself," Wilkens said glumly. "It's just like that Lincoln Park song said: I tried so hard -- with my poetry, I mean -- but in the end, it didn't even matter."
With a scowl, Wilkens added, "Curse those bastards for thinking up that line before I did. That's a really good one."
And try Wilkens certainly did, uploading over 50 poems to his LiveJournal since March of this year. But although he believes there were some "truly grotesque and disturbing" examples among them, not one triggered the sort of concerned reaction that he had envisioned while writing.
"I really don't see how else to impress upon people that they should pay attention to me, and maybe even question my sanity, or at the very least my well-being," he said. "I mean, unless I wanted to actually cut my arms all up, and that's really only something that weirdos do."
Wilkens is particularly disheartened about the lack of concern shown towards him because of the quality of his poetry, which he would classify as "even more disturbing than the lyrics to Godsmack or Slipknot".
"Here's one especially good one, which I called 'My Soul Is The Black Nothingness Of Doom,'" he said, gesturing to the poem on his computer screen. "Or this one, here -- 'Black Marble Is Cold Like My Soul'. How the hell can people read these and not be scared about me?"
With lines such as "My soul is too black, too black to stay around/Soon I will take it away forever, and I'll be in the ground" and "Cold as ice, cold as death/My soul will soon have no temperature at all, because it'll meet Death", some might argue that Wilkens is justified in wondering about the lack of concern. He did suggest that perhaps not as many people read his LiveJournal as he thought, but conceded that this was probably unlikely, as he gave the link out as often as possible.
"I would just work it into the conversation real smoothly," he recalled. "Like, this one time my friend Jim said to me, 'Man, it's hot as hell outside,' and I said, 'Yeah, speaking of hell, I'm in it right now, maybe you should read my LiveJournal,' and I'd give him a piece of paper with the URL on it. He'd look all confused and be like, 'Uh, what?' but I always thought that he was just hiding his secret pain and concern for me. I guess I was wrong, though."
Wilkens also attempted to get his parents to read his LiveJournal, although it took some "cunning and craftiness" on his part, since he needed to act like he really didn't want them to see it.
"I would purposely leave it up on the screen when they walked by the computer, then make a big deal of covering it up and saying, 'Jesus, Mom, don't read my private journal, I write disturbing things in there!'" he said. "But she'd always just say, 'You sure are an imaginative boy, Gunther.' Christ, what a bitch."
Wilkens inadvertently brings up a good point in citing the case of his mother; unbeknownst to him, many close to him cited "not taking him seriously at all" as one of the primary causes for their lack of concern for his poetry.
"Oh, Gunther plays around with his demons and skulls and what have you, but I guess that's what all the boys are doing these days," his mother said with a laugh. "I just think his little poetry is adorable, and very talented, too!"
"Gunther is like, a real happy guy," a friend, Jim, explained. "He's always making jokes and going to concerts and stuff. Whenever he's not trying to get me to read his gay LiveJournal, I mean."
But the lack of a suggestion that he is not right mentally, let alone a suggestion that he has bipolar disorder (what Wilkens refers to as the "coup de grace") has "really been bothering" Wilkens as of late, compromising his normal state of happiness.
"Getting people to think you're depressed is seriously hard work," he said. "If I don't watch it, all this effort with no payoff is going to get me depressed. I mean, for real."