Yahoo Shuts Down User Chat Rooms; Enraged Pedophiles Consider Suit
Pedophiles, sluts, and free speech advocates everywhere were horrified to learn that Yahoo, the Internet's most-used site, is shutting down all user-created chatrooms after their advertisers pulled ads that were appearing in chatrooms designed to solicit sex from children.
"We knew the chats were going on, but were cautiously okay about it, suspecting they were merely rehearsals for [19th century playwright Henrik] Ibsen plays," said Mary Osako, spokeswoman for the company. "We soon realized it was a much more serious problem, though, right around the time that our advertisers pulled out. That's really just a coincidence, though."
In its defense, Yahoo says it could not possibly monitor all of the user-created rooms at once, many of which had unassuming ambiguous names, such as "Girls 13 And Up For Much Older Men" and "42 Year-Old Will Use Penis On Illegally Young Girl".
"We're just one giant company, not a billion companies," Osako said. "Jeez."
Now, users who wish to chat will be forced to go into Yahoo's pre-created chat rooms, which are numerous and often feature topics that everyone can enjoy, such as information on Hilary Duff and shopping for glitter at the mall. Older potential perverts will be encouraged into their own chat rooms on subjects interesting to them, including "Dealing With Your Increasingly Unattractive Wife In The Face Of Younger Hotter Women" and "It's Cool Not To Think About Having Sex With Young Girls".
"By forcing users to only visit our own chat rooms, we are eliminating all chances of pedophilia on the Internet," said Osako. "A middle-aged man, for example, would never enter a Hilary Duff chat room because Hilary Duff is for young girls."
Users will still be able to private message one another after meeting in a chatroom, a fact that Osako doesn't see as harmful.
"Well, those private messages don't have advertisers on them," she said, confused.
Pedophiles, predictably, are upset by the news, and are even considering a class-action lawsuit.
"Yahoo has no right to deny me my rights like this!" shouted one. "What the hell kind of country is this that a man can't even fish for naive young women in a public chat room that he created on the Internet?"
"I think it's awfully presumptuous of Yahoo to assume that these girls need protecting," another said. "One girl that I'm talking to, for instance, knows that we're best friends and that I would never hurt her."
Dan Ronsen of the ACLU is currently in talks with several of the pedophiles about a lawsuit, and says the possibility of a court victory is "very strong".
"What we have here is a group of Americans who are just trying to live out their lifestyles," he said. "Is Yahoo planning on canceling the gay pride parades next?"
Parents, however, are applauding the move.
"I don't know what the hell my daughter is doing online, so this is a real god-send," said one concerned father. "I mean, yeah I have eyes to look, but you know how it is...you start to look at something, something else happens..."
"Until the government takes care of my children for me, this will have to do," sighed a Florida mother.
When asked for comment, Jay Leno made a predictable Michael Jackson joke and was dismissed from the interview.