Man Purchases iPod To Drown Out Noise From Other iPods
As part of a radical experiment in the search for a treatment of the condition known to the medical community as AiDD (Abnormal iPod Deficiency Disorder), local commuter Mike Thornton purchased an iPod of his own to keep at bay the noise created by the chorus of iPods around him.
Surprisingly, despite initial skepticism over the treatment's effectiveness, Thornton seems to have made a breakthrough and experts from the Center of Disease Control and Apple, Inc. are calling it a "huge success."
"I'm so much happier now!" yelled Thornton to interviewers as he struggled to hear questions over Jack Johnson's latest masterwork that played on his digital music player. When asked if his latest purchase had improved his typical morning commute, Thornton replied, "What? What? I got this at Best Buy!"
The music fan ended the interview by turning up the volume on his device to muffle the sound of Ashlee Simpson's new barnburner "Burnin' Up", which came in diapasons from someone in the next train car.
"It just got out of hand," later said Thornton of his morning ride, periodically asking our reporter to stop ringing that god damned bell, which our reporter took to be a comment on his girlishly-high voice, embarrassing him. "All these jerks listening to their music, in their own world and all? It got so loud that you couldn't hear yourself think. At least now I don’t have to worry about hearing anyone else's stupid music, and I can play my favorite Sigur Rois songs as loud as I want to."
As the epidemic of AiDD spreads, many are calling on the government to supplement the purchase of iPods for those with limited income. The House and Senate have discussed including iPods in Medicare and Medicaid programs, and have also begun drafting legislation that would require employers to provide iPods as part of employee healthcare packages.
"I was so close to killing myself until I got my first iPod," said AiDD sufferer Tanya Williamson, student at VI Madison and research assistant in the School of Psychology. "Thank God my parents intervened and bought me one for my birthday last year, which really saved my life. Of course, it wasn't a Nano, so now I've got to go through all of this again and refrain from slitting my wrists until I can get my hands on one of those. The government really needs to step up their willingness to help get me a goddamn iPod, or I'm going to fucking die."
Williamson then considered selling her shoes to afford the next upgrade, but then realized that everyone in those iPod commercials also has shoes on, prompting her to continue her search for an exacto-knife.
The sudden rise in cases of AiDD has the medical community baffled, but officials say that a cure is on the verge of being discovered, pointing to cases such as Thornton's as success stories amid the growing crisis. Researchers say that they are on the verge of drawing a scientific correlation between AiDD and the current iPod shortage, meaning a vaccine may soon be developed.
"We thought that the rise in suicides and outbursts of violence against people with all-hip-hop or country playlists on their iPods had either something to do with the war in Iraq, racism, class warfare, or was just one of those flukes that no one can explain, but just assumes has something to do with violent video games or TV shows like Arrested Development," said William Roberts, chairman for the Center for Disease Control. "It was disconcerting to find that 40% of the American public is on the verge of carrying out a school or workplace massacre, but discovering that only 60% of the American public has been immunized for AiDD, a breakthrough was made."
Roberts recommended in a report to the Department of Health and Human Services that the government allocate $300 billion to the recently established iPod Proliferation Organization Department.
Meanwhile, success stories like Thornton's continue to bolster the evidence presented by experts like Roberts.
"This is awesome," gushed Thornton as he cleaned the dried blood off his signature white headphone pieces. "I can turn my music up so loud that even the guy sitting next to me jamming to the latest Green Day jingle doesn't bother my anymore. If only I had known about this years ago, I could have been part of the solution and not part of the problem."
Thornton's continued success with the program will be monitored. As sales of iPod's rise, studies are being performed on the feasibility of introducing iTunes to the public water supply.
