Millions Of Stupid People Preparing To Mate
Millions of stupid people are preparing to mate this week, thereby enjoying themselves and generating more stupid people like them, scientists reported Tuesday.
The dumb people will then "continue their normal stupidity and wanton idiocy" as they have done since the dawn of recorded time, and then will in turn be replaced by their offspring who will do similar stupid things and create similar stupid offspring, who will do the same, and so on, and so on, until humanity ceases to exist.
Scientists said they had no special reason for mentioning this -- they just "wanted everyone to know."
"It would be one thing if they were stupid and they didn't hurt people," said Dr. Phillip Brock, Ph.D., a Harvard researcher. "But they're not -- they're stupid and they hurt people, they're responsible for all that's wrong, and they're getting off, which is more than I can say for some intelligent people I know."
Dr. Maria de Marvilloso, a researcher at the Johns-Hopkins Institute, agrees, adding that what bugs her the most about the stupid people is that they "seem so happy".
"They have no right. I work hard and all day long just to get by, and they're out there somewhere cavorting. I read about it in the papers. I see them on the streets.
And they're so tan. Ugh."
She added that the key to stopping the endless cycle of violence and plain asininity of the human race was getting the stupid people not to procreate.
"Then, the intelligent people wouldn't have any obstacles in their way. And they could go about freely from place to place, able to carry out their plans and live a life of ease. It'd be wonderful," said de Marvilloso.
The first step towards stopping the sex? Awareness, says de Marvilloso.
"They need to say to themselves, 'Wait. This is not a helpful thing for society for me to do this right now. I need to go off somewhere and do something else,'" she explained. "And if not, someone else needs to make that step for them."
For some, de Marvilloso's thinking represents an uneasy echo of Nazi-era selective breeding, but she dismisses the comparisons.
"Some say it's eugenics, some say it's dangerous thinking. But can thinking be dangerous? Who thinks thinking is dangerous? Who? You tell me."
De Marvilloso then winked at the interviewer, who said, "Excuse me? Oh, the stupid people?"
"Ah-ha," said de Marvilloso.
But Dr. Nicholas Sneehot, head of the Embryonics Department at Yale, describes how not only are stupid people not stopping and thinking, they are continuing to reproduce -- and enjoy it -- at an alarming rate.
"They're out there right now, oiling themselves up for another round of guilt- and thought-free pleasure," said Sneehot. "Why can't anything -- any sense of how people around them are suffering -- pierce their tiny little minds?"
Scientists say although there is no sure way to determine who is stupid and messing everything up for everybody else, technological advancements are getting
us closer everyday to be able to single them out as dangerous to everyone around them.
"Well, I can think of twenty stupid people that I know," said Brock. "The signs are all there: they don't listen to me, don't think about anybody but themselves, don't understand what I'm saying, don't get my jokes, like sports, haven't seen the movies I've seen, et cetera."
Brock envisions a future where stupid people such as these, identified by their genetic code, are sterilized the moment they leave the uterus. Then, they are free to enter and "fuck up a society they surely will have no hopes of adding similar a-holes" like themselves to.
Asked if he could prove that stupid people only beget stupid people, and that only stupidity and not intelligence is the cause of "hurt" in the world today, Brock dodged the question.
"Hmpfh. If you're asking me that." He then rolled his eyes and looked at his watch.
"So, you're saying I'm stupid?" The interviewer asked.
"No, no, not at all," Brock said. "I'd never say that."
"Why would you never say that?" The interviewer asked.
"Because I like you," Brock said.
"You obviously think I'm stupid," said the interviewer.
"Well, you're not," Brock said.