Report Finds Some Chili Would Be Fucking Awesome Right Now
A study jointly sponsored by the Food and Drug Administration and Hormel Food Products has found that a bowl of chili would be fucking perfect right now.
The test is qualified by a variance for vegetarians, those who just ate, and the occasional rare case of the subject not being "in the mood", but research has proven that chili would hit the motherfucking spot 7 out of 10 times.
"Our studies, which we have been conducting for years and within a variety of control groups, have shown that a bowl of chili right now would be goddamn perfect," said research team leader Alvin Edwards. "The groups who were given alcohol prior to the introduction of chili were found to be more ravenous than those who received their chili in complete sobriety, but there bound to be exceptions and irregularities, and the point still holds true: chili rules."
Edwards conceded that more men responded positively to the prospect of chili for dinner than did women, but said that the variance was negligible. He also offered to test his thesis on reporters: "Want to get a bowl of chili with me? I'm buying," he stated. "You would? See, it's true."
That chili would be fucking money right now comes as no surprise to most, who were already fantasizing about a big bowl of the meaty concoction with cheese and beans. Some, however, disputed the findings, saying that they wanted a turkey sandwich or chicken noodle soup. The report, however, does not rule in their favor.
"It's no mistake that $0.50-chili night at [local bar] The Rail is such a huge hit," said Mark Tumino, professor of culinary psychology at the Cooking and Hospitality Institute. "Sure, dollar burger night might be a close second, and the $2.00 big burrito deal draws in the crowds, but many of the subjects interviewed and tested claimed to have adjusted their job schedule, social life and daily calendar around the half-dollar chili, which indicates the omnipresence of chili in the minds of the patrons."
Citing the success of other popular chili specials around town, Tumino said that his group was lead directly to the conclusion that a majority of people could go for chili right now. Times spent not eating chili, he says, can be explained by the occasional unavailability of Tabasco sauce.
"There are times when it's not appropriate, like when the hot sauce runs out or if there's no beer to chase it down," said Brock Dresden, assistant to Tumino. "But that they've invented vegetarian chili that tastes exactly like the real stuff is just more proof positive that you, me and everyone we know wants a bowl of the stuff right this minute."
Social activists say that the report, known as the Chili Combinatorial, represents a key step in solving chronic indecision, world hunger and colon blockage. Data indicates that the majority of the day is spent in what experts call "The Hormel Homology", which is the term given to the state of being in which one's favorite chili components are at their most subconsciously potent. Satisfying the lust for chili, which subjects described as varying from subliminal to overwhelming, may constitute an important step in realizing world peace, an end to racism and increased job satisfaction.
"The importance of this document cannot be understated," said Reese Thompson of the One World Institute."“This indicates that all the world's problems could be solved if the leaders of all nations would hash out international policy not during $1,000 a plate dinners, but over a meal of chili with oyster crackers on the side. Of course, the room would have to be well-ventilated, lest Iran accuse Israel of spreading its fowl Semitic stench throughout the world, but it would be a step in the right direction."
The impact of cheese, chives, sour cream and hot sauce on the desirability of chili for dinner tonight, or for a snack right now, was not taken into account as part of the study, but will be released in an independent thesis later in the month.
