Large, Horrifying Sea Kittens Attack, Eat Humans
Hundreds of people across the world are reporting being attacked by some varieties of a new type of animal known as the "sea kitten", causing animal control experts concern and prompting many local governments to declare states of emergency as they struggle to understand the mysterious beast.
Sea kittens, known to primitive man as "fish", recently gained recognition in the scientific community when People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) declared that calling the animals fish was tantamount to murdering regular kittens (now known as rittens).
"When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover," reads PETA's website. "And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?"
So far, the campaign has been enormously successful, making its way into public school systems throughout the United States.
"Contrary to popular belief, the technical term for sea kitten offspring is 'baby sea kitties,' not 'caviar,'" fourth grade teacher Pamela Davis read to her class from the PETA website. "Many sea kittens build nests where they can raise their baby sea kitties, and others collect small rocks off the sea floor to make widdle hiding pwaces where they can rest."
"I would never hunt, hurt or eat a sea kitten," said 4th grader Erin Gross, pointing to a photo of a black pile of baby sea kitties. "I love baby sea kitties the most!"
But scientists say that it's precisely these precious feelings of cuddling love that are now jeopardizing the lives of many who encounter the animals; several species of sea kitten, including the great white sea kitten, tiger sea kitten, and mako sea kitten are horrifyingly large, and have been known to viciously attack and eat human beings.
"These sea kittens, while still as cuddly as all the others, can weigh up to two tons, have rows and rows of sharp teeth, and enjoy the taste of human flesh," said marine biologist Dr. Allan Carson of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. "It's hard to imagine, but some of these sea kittens routinely tear apart the bodies of salty sea puppies, formerly known as 'seals,' and eat them. For fun."
When pressed for a comment, PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk released the following statement: "These allegations against cuddly-wuddly sea-kittens are an atrocious remnant of the Bush administration. Now that America will be going entirely vegetarian in the next four years, we believe it is irresponsible to spread lies about Nature's cutest of all animals."
"However," she concluded, "we are considering changing the name of these larger sea kittens to 'sea lions', though supposedly that word already exists. I have no further comments."
Despite PETA's denials, some are now calling for sea kittens to once again be known as "fish". But PETA's campaign has been so successful, many adults are now forgetting the word ever existed. While waiting in line at a local Long John Silver's restaurant, IT professional Bob Smithers could not place it.
"I believe this word [fish] was once the name of a jam band from the 60s and 70s, and then from which the internet scam 'phishing' got its name. Otherwise, never heard of it."
He then ordered the fried sea kitten sandwich with tartar sauce on the side.