Internet Enraged By iPad's Name; Product Failure Imminent; Steve Jobs Found Dead By Own Hand
When Apple unveiled its latest creation today -- a 10" tablet it called the iPad -- the company thought it was providing the world with another must-have gadget, like the iPhone, iPod, and Newton.
Instead, what followed was a nightmare that ended with Apple co-founder Steve Jobs hanging from an iPhone data cord in his hotel room, and the company on the verge of total collapse and bankruptcy.
Analysts say the horror all stemmed from the product's name, which the blogosphere began making fun of almost immediately (1.6 seconds) after it was revealed.
"Someone on Twitter pointed out that other things have the word 'pad' in them," said Peter Farber, technology writer for The Washington Post, his mouth twitching. "Things like women's, ah, women's feminine..."
Unable to finish his sentence, Farber exploded in uncontrollable laughter. He later sent us an email explaining that the word "iPad" reminds some people of the word "Maxipad", which is a term for sanitary napkins for women.
"GET IT?" he typed. "IPAD MAXIPAD, RROOOOFFFFLLLLL"
Once the more intelligent posters on the internet were able to grasp this concept, they spent the next few hours simplifying and explaining it to other users. After that, says Farber, the iPad was doomed.
"Practically the whole internet is pledging not to buy it now," he explained. "They don't want to look like fags."
Unable to cope with something he worked on being a failure, Steve Jobs committed suicide. Critics say that his suicide note was polished and well-executed, but lacked some basic functionality that existing suicide notes already provide.
With its leader dead and its new product in a state of ridicule, Apple's stock plunged 80% today, 10% more than its usual drop following the announcement of a new product. The company is not expected to last beyond the end of this year.
Some say the iPad will go down in history as a lesson of how a product that sounds kind of like a personal hygiene device can fail, but others claim that several reviews of iPad from people who have never interacted with it also played a part in its demise.
"Wow, it's like a big iPhone...what a joke," scoffed one man. "Like anyone ever bought an iPhone."