Jupiter's Red Spot Shrinking Due To Vehicle Emissions, Say Environmentalists

Pictured: a protestor with a giant red spot.

Environmentalists, frustrated at the lack of progress made to save the ozone layer here on Earth, are now focusing their energy to curb the shrinking of Jupiter's red spot, which they allege is being caused by carbon emissions and greenhouse gases.

The spot, which has been shrinking since scientists began monitoring its size in 1996, has environmentalists concerned over the condition this generation will leave the solar system in for its children and its children's children.

"The shrinking red spot on the once pristine and hospitable planet of Jupiter is just one more reason why we must reduce our carbon footprint," said Betsy Ringman, an environmental activist from Green Peace. "If we do not act now, then our grandchildren may only know about the big, beautiful red spot in Jupiter by reading about it in books and in seeing it in pictures -- an unthinkable tragedy."

Though scientists do not know exactly what has caused the red spot to shrink and occasionally change color, most have admitted that the spot, now elliptical, may become circular by 2040, and even disappear in the foreseeable future, a phenomenon known in astronomy as "Jupiter getting off its period".

Some scientists believe that unlike menstruation, however, there is evidence to suggest that the red spot's reduction of one mile per year is neither cyclical nor a natural process. It is unknown how the development will affect the planet emotionally.

"Since everything we do is bad and hurts the environment, it only stands to reason that our planet has become so polluted that it's literally 'proxy-polluting' other planets unlucky to be in the same solar system," said Dr. Werner von Bunsen of the Center for Environmental Studies at Brown University, who cited Venus, which rains sulfuric acid, as an example of another heavenly body that Earth has ruined.

Environmental activists have petitioned the Obama Administration to act in ways that his predecessor, President Bush, refused to -- namely, relying on science to cure the galaxy of pollution and hatred once and for all. Jupiter's red spot became a hot topic on the streets of London, where activists gathered to protest the G-20 summit.

"What good is saving the earth if we can't save the Milky Way?" shouted Bruce Cardiff, a schoolteacher who took vacation time to attend the protests. "There is no representative from Jupiter at this meeting of lies!"

Opponents say there is no evidence that they're aware of that suggests human activity can harm Jupiter, or even anything on Earth.

"No, I'm not a scientist, and no, I haven't followed all the developments concerning climate change," said John Martha, president of the Mississippi company Large Clouds Of Terrible Smoke, Inc. "But here's what I do know: if we were supposedly hurting the environment so bad, wouldn't the vengeful Mole People who live underground have come up by now to show us the error of our ways?"

Martha also cautioned against taking the word of "liberal scientists" as fact.

"Personally, I almost never listen to science," he boasted, "unless it's a scientist I know in my gut that I can trust."

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