Fat People Poised To Become Hugely Dominant
Charles Darwin, author of "The Origin of Species" and the modestly successful Top 40 song "The Origin Of My Love (For You)", was a proponent of the doctrine of "survival of the fattest", say some dissident biologists.
The new theory comes in light of recent studies indicating that if present trends continue, 86 percent of American adults will be overweight by 2030. This has led some to believe that Darwin must have meant to say "fattest" instead of "fittest".
"The Origin of Species may have used the phrase 'survival of the fittest,' but it was probably just a typo that nobody caught," said Dr. Forrest Primeval of the Institute for Advanced Grant Applications at Princeton. "Darwin, great visionary that he was, saw evolution as a process which, over billions of years, would inevitably favor the species that can devour the largest amount of its fellow animal, plant, and prepackaged microwavable species while carefully limiting itself to an absolute minimum of exertion."
Given this fact, says Dr. Primeval, it's only natural to assume that Darwin actually meant "fattest", projecting that the earth would eventually come to be dominated by a race of "superior inert butterballs."
The controversial revision of Darwin's theory of evolution, coming with the news of Fox's upcoming launch of a reality dating show featuring overweight people called "More to Love," has been enthusiastically welcomed by the Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM). The group advocates tolerance and improved accommodations for "ample Americans," calling for larger airline seats, larger movie theater seats, larger pants sizes, and a large Coke and large order of fries on the side.
"We're pleased, but not surprised, by this news," wheezed Orfus Hamslot, spokesperson for the organization. "Our ranks are growing every day, and it's only a matter of time before we come to absolute hegemony. Just the other day I contemplated eating a skinny delivery man, assimilating him into myself just as Darwin must have imagined."
Leaders of the movement have also recently asked for direct federal subsidies, pointing out that corpulent executives deserve bailouts far more than corporate ones, since they are the ones who have brought about the steady growth of a gross domestic product, bioflab, which in turn fuels a thriving interchangeable-diet-book industry worth $23 billion.
But some experts fear that these developments will only increase support for a much more militant group, the FLF (Fat Liberation Front), which is believed to be responsible for the recent firebombings of 137 Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig franchises in 26 states. In secret memos obtained by law enforcement officials, the clandestine group has revealed a long-range goal of subduing and occupying the entire planet, as long as it doesn't have to walk to get there.
"This group is known to have large stocks of high-fructose corn syrup, plus caches of Cinnabons, Doritos, Frappuccinos, and other weapons of mass consumption," said one FBI official under the condition of anonymity. "They're willing to use these weapons to immobilize the entire population, if necessary."
"If we don't watch out," he added, "bloated, pear-shaped organizations like the FLF are going to swallow up our whole civilization, even though they only intended to take just one tiny little bite."