Area Man Realizes Technology Still No Substitute For Masturbation
After a power surge left him with no internet access all weekend long, Philadelphia native Barrett Johnson came to the conclusion that although technology is entertaining, considerable progress must be made before it can stack up to masturbation.
Johnson, who spent the weekend getting reacquainted with the ancient art 34 non-consecutive times, says even his Twitter and Flickr accounts cannot compare with the "good old-fashioned analog feeling of whipping the pony."
"Posting my thoughts and feelings online feels good, don't get me wrong, but there's still something missing from it," he said thoughtfully, absentmindedly toying with the ice pack on his crotch. "I had almost forgotten that there can be a physical component to the whole thing, too."
Still, Johnson acknowledges that in many ways, technology has, after a long sustained effort, surged forth to fill in some of the gaps.
"I was struck by how much our computers can emulate our real life indulgence," he said. "When I started playing the skin flute, I noticed similarities to some of our modern technology almost immediately...the familiar sense of time being wasted, and the comfortable yet vaguely regretful feelings of absolutely nothing getting done, except for the task in hand."
"When science came," Johnson added, "it certainly came close."
Sociologists point out that although technology may not have exactly replicated masturbation yet, it could in the future, since over 99% of all human inventions go towards simulating the auto-erotic event.
"Until the day comes when we can jack on and off of machines that perfectly match our pleasure centers, we will always seek out the next closest thing, even though it becomes inadequate when compared with the real deal," said Dr. Jeff Purdue, a sociological researcher at Johns Hopkins University. "That's why I'd wager that many of your readers may have their hands down their pants even as they read this."
A survey conducted just now revealed that over 65% of you do, in fact, have at least one hand in your pants right now.
Some are not surprised by Johnson's findings, and even find them antiquated.
"The machines are already here, and they're better than the real thing," moaned a local woman as she interfaced with a mechanical device over and over again. She later explained that she engaging in a process called "texting".
"I also have a motorized masturbation machine at home," she said.
As for Johnson, he says the past 48 hours have rekindled his love for a "simpler time".
"At this point, I think I'd really love to get a cabin out in a remote location somewhere, and leave all this technological craziness behind," he said, eyes off in the distance. "Without my computer and cell phone, my hands would be free to jack off all day."