Scientists Discover Obnoxious Four-Year-Old Who May Hold Key To Preventing Overpopulation
Researchers announced Thursday a discovery that may be the answer to the looming problem of world overpopulation: four-year-old Caden Aleman of Chesterton, Indiana.
Experts say the young man's penchant for making a loud, obnoxious ruckus -- demonstrated most recently during a family trip to Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry -- could encourage up to 90% of people within earshot to instantly decide against ever having children.
"It's the perfect antidote to the frustrating wave of 'adorable' children in movies and on television who threaten the sustainability of our planet," said research team leader Dr. Brian Van Dunton, Earth resource analyst and ethicist at the University of Chicago. "Our testing shows that virtually everyone who saw Caden sprawled out on his back in the middle of the Harry Potter Exhibit [at the MSI], screaming for ice cream as he emanated a smell that strongly suggested he had urinated on himself, knew at that very moment that they would never have children."
Van Dunton and his team would like to devise a population-control treatment, based on placing little Caden in a cage and having young would-be parents observe him, that could be used to reduce the number of births annually be "a profound amount".
"It doesn't hurt that he's an ugly little bastard," Van Dunton said, pleased. "I personally have already thought of at least 15 cruel nicknames that other children could conceivably call him. Who wants to have a child like that?"
Outside of the museum case study, Van Dunton also cites first-hand information from the parents, relatives and neighbors of the little shit, who have all agreed that even a remote chance of their first or next child being like Caden is enough to inspire them to choose anal sex for the rest of their lives.
"I didn't realize that having a kid was more like having a fucking gremlin that you fed after midnight," said one relative under the condition of anonymity. "That kid's repulsive constant need for candy and attention can't be disguised by all the [designer baby fashion icon] Anne Geddes in the world."
In addition to the "Kid 'N' A Cage" idea, Van Dunton is currently drafting a grant proposal for government funding to be put towards efforts to clone little Aleman and place his identical scions into churches, museums, restaurants and other public spaces where couples thinking about reproducing are typically found.
The program runs a number of risks, particularly the possibility that cloned specimens of the insufferable child could develop the ability to reproduce by asexual budding, growing exponentially and overwhelming the small population of children that don't necessarily arouse thoughts of infanticide.
"It's possible that the program could be too successful and discourage all future children from being born" admitted team member and sociologist Nancy Horowitz, "but what can you do? I always thought kids were dumb anyway."
Many experts have gone a step further, recommending interactive tools that, through cutting edge technologies such as video and Twitter (somehow), can replicate the experience of being one of Caden's parents as they drag the writhing child out of the movie theater/church/symphony hall, all while enduring the furious stares of disapproval and hatred from the other patrons and non-parents.
"The State of California is considering mandatory counseling for couples about to get married or considering having babies, in which they would each watch two hours of the Aleman family's home videos of their trip to Disneyland," said Clara Thompson of the Children and Family Services Division of northern California. "I personally told my husband that his lifelong dream of having a big family was idiotic after watching [Aleman] throw a tantrum, hurl his ice cream cone at Mickey Mouse, and then stomp around demanding more ice cream. In fact, it made me infertile on the spot."
"Thank God," added Thompson. "I would kill that kid if it was mine."