McGwire, Others Convince Children Of 'Awesomeness' Of Steroids
Although he did not directly answer the question of whether or not he had used illegal steroids in the past, former baseball power hitter Mark McGwire and some of his peers went on a nationwide tour to inform kids who look up to him "just how sweet steroids can be" after his Congressional hearing on Thursday.
In what quickly became a pattern spread over the entire country, McGwire or another player would enter the home of a child, forcibly restrain the parents by tying them up in the basement, and then lecture the child for up to a half hour on why steroids are "better than candy and videogames combined".
"I'll tell you something, kid: there's only one way I was able to hit all those home runs, and it sure wasn't practice," McGwire, who didn't actually say he used steroids because that would embarrass him, reportedly told more than one youth. "Even though your coaches might have told you practice makes perfect, it doesn't. Practice makes okay, practices makes baseball that is interesting to the average football fan for about 3.6 seconds, but it doesn't make perfect. That's what steroids – which I'm not going to say whether I used or not – are awesome for."
Sammy Sosa, McGwire's rival in the 1998 home run record chase, reportedly took things a step further with a friendly puppet show.
"'Gee, Sammy, can't I be a winner without these magic pills?'" he made one puppet say, to which Sosa sternly replied, "No, Sockhead Sam. And your friends probably won't think you're cool anymore, either."
The attack of the baseball legends is just the latest in a wave of what many Americans view as threats to children – steroid-using ball players, gun-toting videogame characters, sodomy-loving gay people – forcibly invading homes and thwarting parents' attempts to raise their children.
"Like most parents, we always try to spend plenty of time with Billy and put things into context for him, and make sure he's looking up to valuable heroes and knows the difference between an image and reality," said the tearful parents of William Chankson, an Arkansas eight year-old who, after being spoken to by Sosa, took some steroids and overpowered his father, walking through the wall of the house and bellowing that he was going to beat up some cars. "But with these guys coming in here and forcing us away from our kids, we can't do our parenting right."
"Howard Stern forced me to turn on the radio to his show with my kids in the car, then stay at the office late, then come home and fall asleep without even talking to my kids!" sobbed another parent as her six year-old son demanded to know how much sex she had had that day. "He's ruining America!"
Fines are being considered that would make Howard Stern's obscenities worth the same as killing 17 men and eating their faces off, and ball player Jose Canseco has volunteered his new tell-all steroids book as a weapon "against other people in baseball…other people who are not me".
"Guys, guess what else," Canseco, who was arrested for steroid use in 2003, whispered to some members of the House Government Reform Committee during Thursday's hearing. "I heard that Mark McGwire said that he's going to spray paint old Mr. Elson's garage on Saturday with a bad word."
Meanwhile, public service announcements from the American Institute of Drug Prevention aim to try and correct the damage done by the renegade baseball players with its powerful "Steroids Will Shrink Your Balls" message, with some children experts already adopting the philosophy.
"In my office there hangs a poster," explained Gary Campbell, trained psychologist and guidance counselor. "On the left side is Paul Newman, and above his head reads 'This is your penis'. In the middle: a picture of pills with caption 'These are steroids'. Finally, on the right is Woody Allen with the words 'This is your penis on steroids – any questions?'"
"We figured that Paul Newman is a guy these kids really look up to," he added.