MLB Urges Players To Take Steroids
Today an agreement was reached between Major League Baseball and the players' union to encourage players to take as many performance-enhancing drugs as possible, U.S. lawmakers said.
Tom Davis, chairman of the House Government Reform Committee, said he was pleased to see the steroid issue put to rest after months of debate about how to handle it.
"With all of the nonsense going on in our country today, the last thing we need is another boring season of steroidless, two runs-a-game baseball," he said. "With these wonderful superdrugs coursing through our athletes' veins, we are guaranteed exciting games and issue-forgetting home run contests."
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agreed.
"With the sudden loss of one-third of baseball's home run production," Selig observed, "our games are getting so dull that doctors are telling their patients to watch them to go to sleep. We've gone from homers to comas."
Selig said that the deal benefits baseball itself just as much as a country yearning to pay attention to something else.
"Sports is all about marketing, and you must have the established brand name players to keep the fans coming in -- people who have been taking steroids and need them to continue performing well," he said. "This is one of the reasons why we support the Williams family in their efforts to keep Ted cryogenically preserved. Can you imagine a game with a defrosted 'Splendid Splinter' once again facing a cloned Whitey Ford? The synergies of technology and marketing would be wonderful."
Selig added that he considers the players' increased risk of cancer and other complications a small price to pay for the millions they'll earn in salary and the tens of millions owners will get in enhanced revenue.
"Kids, I want to tell you something," he said, looking squarely into a television camera at the press conference. "Steroids, or 'candy wonder-drugs' as I call them, are exciting pills that will make you money. Don't you love money and your Mom and Dad?"
Most owners have remained mum on the proposed change, with one notable exception; Yankees owner George Steinbrenner remarked: "When it comes to the Yankees, I am the great Score Keeper in the Skybox. It matters less than a John Rocker autograph in Harlem how you play the game. It's the bucks that count."
One former player has also agreed to speak on the record. "Hey, I want back in!" said Jose Canseco, elated at the prospect of new pharmaceutical enhancements.
But could condoning steroid use by players create an unfair advantage for some? Selig concedes that this is possible, but that the MLB will be doing what it can to make things equitable; any player who passes a drug test, in which they are found to have no performance-enhancing drugs in their system, will be suspended 50 games immediately for a first violation. Second offenses will miss 100, and anyone passing a third test would be permanently banned from the game.
"We can't have some players ruining their health to jack up game revenues while others don't carry their weight," Selig explained. "The integrity of the game is at stake."