Whites File Discrimination Charges Against NBA
A class-action lawsuit has been filed against the National Basketball Association in a New York court on Monday, alleging it misrepresents the white race in its programming and even may have made some white people feel bad.
In the historic case, several million people of western European descent signed a petition to bring the sports entertainment giant into the courtroom.
"This is a clear and criminal case of racial discrimination," said Bob White, who is spearheading the lawsuit with his wife, Nancy Black-White. "Whenever I turn on a basketball game, I can see the racial inequalities and prejudices this country has against us white folk. There isn't a damn white person for every ten blacks, I'll bet."
The petition attempts to address this problem with a simple solution.
"We believe," said the petition, "that there should be a quota established for players of the white race, so that the viewers of the National Basketball Association's programming are not misled to believe that the white race, while in reality a huge part of everyday life, is only a small and almost nonexistent sector of humanity."
"All we are asking," wrote many of the people who signed the petition, "is that our race be truthfully represented in all areas of life, including the great game of basketball."
The white race, which is estimated by the US Census Bureau to comprise over 60% of the population, has historically been alienated from the game of basketball, with the NBA going so far as to sponsor propaganda films illustrating the fact that they cannot jump.
"I do not think it is fair to cut white people out of the game," said Nancy Black-White. "It is spiteful, racist, and not acceptable in the world my children have to grow up in."
Said NBA president Tom Jernstedt: "The coaches and managers of the National Basketball Association choose their players based on ability and how many off-court shenanigans they will be involved in within five years. It has nothing to do with race."
The Reverend Jesse Jackson, head of the Rainbow Coalition, was outraged.
"This is racial discrimination by way of reverse discrimination," he fumed. "Once again, the white people are trying to discriminate our good black people to impose their own discrimination, in reverse discriminating discriminatory fashions."
"Besides," he added, "it's not our fault that white people are inferior."
The group is not original in its plight, however; it hails as inspiration groups the Nation Organization of Women (NOW), Reverend Jackson's Rainbow Coalition, and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAAD), who have in the past attempted to enact similar changes in television programs.
"Those feminists want equal representation of women and cripples in TV," said White. "The blacks want it too. So do the queers. Well damn it, down with discrimination!"
When it was discovered that White was merely plagiarizing GLAAD's website, the gay organization filed a separate counter-suit against White's. Said GLAAD director, Joan M. Garry: "We'll show those white, non-gays how we play ball in the big leagues."