Earl Woods Dead; Son Tiger 'Finally Free' To Pursue Career As Hairstylist
After a long battle with cancer, Earl Woods -- father of blackanese golfer Tiger Woods -- died early Wednesday morning. After a brief mourning period, Tiger expressed "intense relief" that he was "finally free" to attend beauty school.
Woods cancelled his contracts with Nike and the Japanese squid processing company Sukahari Mishahuki Industrial Squid Blending immediately, declaring: "I have had enough of this golf shit."
Woods' father Earl was instrumental in forcing the young Tiger to play golf in order to vicariously live through his son. Indeed, Earl Woods was highly regarded among middle class, mediocre fathers as the paradigm for reliving one's life through one's male children.
"Earl Woods was a good man," said Robert Hacker, a father of eight who currently works as manager of the Scranton, PA office of Kosher Paper, Inc. "He got his son up early every day to practice golf because he knew that if he had a time machine, he could go back in time and take on Miflin High in the state championship again, and this time he wouldn't throw that interception."
Hacker, whose seven daughters and one son all play some form of sports, explained that he takes his four year old son Jonathan to batting cages six times a week "to properly prepare him to compete at the tee-ball level."
"You have to be serious about these things at an early age," he continued, "otherwise [kids] lose focus around fourth grade. Once you lose them then, they're gone for good."
Many other fathers agreed with the sentiments of Hacker. Said Jack Mauer, a Winston-Salem, NC father of three: "My boys have been playing football since they were knee-high to a gnat. The eight year-old busted up his knee pretty bad last year, but I told him, 'You have to play through the pain if you want to make it to the NFL'. Then I beat him a little bit, and he's been doing fine ever since."
Since the death of his father yesterday, Tiger Woods has enrolled in the LA Looks Beauty School in San Francisco, come out of the closet as a "raging homosexual", grown his hair long and started part-time work at a San Francisco tattoo parlor.
"I'm just living my dream," said Woods in an interview. "So this goes out to everyone with a dream: just wait, and your controlling, evil father will eventually die. Then you can do whatever you want."
Woods mother was unavailable for comment because she is a race wholly unknown to us at the EV, and that makes us uncomfortable. Or is it Tiger Woods who is some weird genetic combination? We just don't know.
As this article was being written, Tiger Woods opened up his own beauty salon, had a torrid affair with Brad Pitt and wrote a children's book titled "Cocaine Is Not As Bad As Your Parents Say It Is".
"I feel so free," continued Woods. "Finally, after wasting my whole life playing the straight man's gay sport, I can be me. I can finally be a TigerT."
But for some, Woods' place in history will not be found in the hair and nails of homosexuals, but in the relentless drive of his father.
"Earl Woods left behind him a legacy that will be hard to follow," concluded Jack Mauer, pounding a football into his left hand. "But rest assured, the asses of my boys will be red as blood from the whippings they will get when they prove to be mediocre athletes at best, peaking in high school or slightly before. I will make them great athletes or die trying. Just like Earl did."
At press time, Tiger Woods has become a world-renowned hairstylist and homosexual porn star, proving that there is literally nothing the man cannot do better than all of us combined.