Israel Ties Palestine 0-0 in World Cup; 4,000 Dead
In a testament to the power of the World Cup to bring enemies together in peace, the game between Israel and Palestine -- the first ever matchup between the two that FIFA officials thought "would be funny" to hold this year -- was the unofficial highlight in Munich. After an unprecedented quintuple overtime, the game ended in a dead 0-0 tie.
There were few survivors.
Unofficial estimates from the UN put the death toll at 4,000, though the number is likely to climb from there.
The Israeli team, supplied with supplements and soccer gear from the government of the United States, tried early on to establish a presence on the southern half of the field. The Palestinian team had already claimed that side of the field, and 200 bystanders were killed.
FIFA, the governing body of "football" -- which is called "soccer" in the normal, American side of the world -- declared that because of the Holocaust, Israel would get the southern end of the field. The German government issued a formal apology and began deporting Muslims, though it is likely that some Jews died in the process as well.
By halftime, the teams were still locked in a scoreless match that left the stadium's kosher hotdog stands -- and a local mall -- in flames. Former President Bill Clinton and hive-brain of the African-American community Jesse Jackson were called onto the field to help "bring some funk" into the second half.
"Yeah!" huffed Jackson as Clinton soulfully blew his sax. "Uh-huh, come on! Stop keepin' us down!"
Before the second half officially began, several Israelis were spotted making out with Palestinian women and waving white flags. The women were subsequently buried up to the neck in the center of the field and stoned to death by their fathers.
Shortly into the second half, a brief scuffle ensured between two players. When star Israeli player Ishmael Rosenblatt was called for tripping, Israel launched three scud missiles at the Gaza strip "to teach them a lesson". The United States government denied this.
"The American and Israeli peoples have a luscious history, going all the way back to shortly after World War II," said the United States, using Texas as its mouth. "These allegations, made by Arabs, are far less real than September 11th -- which we hope that you have not forgotten. They killed 3,000 American civilians that day, civilians who are now dead thanks to Arabs who look shocking similar to these 'Palestinians'."
The game continued long into the night, finally ending when the suicide goalie for the Palestinian team detonated himself, killing 800 spectators and an albatross that was flying "too low". According to witnesses, the albatross was emitting a "long trail of flame" and had an "enormous tattoo of the Amurican [sic] flag" on its side.
In order to restore order, the American military was immediately called in to the stadium. American airstrikes killed around 3,000 people and left the World Cup stadium in ruins. President George W. Bush explained that "albatrosses are highly explosive creatures."
A local newspaper then thought it would be funny to print a sketch of the Islamic prophet Mohammed calling soccer "soccer" and not "football". Most of Europe subsequently erupted in flames. According to one dirty-looking Arab: "It was glorious."
Israel and Palestine are set for a rematch on Saturday.