Nerd Alarmed At His Growing Interest In Football
George Winn, a Philadelphia area accountant and nerd by scientific classification, says he's extremely concerned about his recent appreciation and understanding of the game of American football -- something that runs directly counter to his nerd genetics.
"I enjoy chess, and computer games, and once I had to tape up my glasses because they broke," he fretted. "I should have no idea that [Philadelphia Eagles quarterback] Donovan McNabb has a fractured rib, and may not return until after the bye-week. I shouldn't even know what the hell a bye-week is."
Winn's newfound interest reached new heights this past weekend, when he actively cleared space on his Sunday schedule to watch an entire football game, sobbing the entire time.
"I think the worst part was the commercials," he said, involuntarily recoiling at the memory. "They were mostly for different kinds of beer and trucks. I remember thinking, 'Oh my God...what if the next step is buying a six pack of Miller High Life?'"
The transformation is an emotional one for Winn because, like most nerds, he was terrible at athletics throughout his tenure in public education, causing jocks -- the natural predator of the nerd -- to hunt him for sport.
"Imagine if a gazelle woke up one day and realized that it liked watching lions hunt," he said helplessly. "I feel like running away from myself before I kick my own ass."
So far, Winn has tried to keep his fandom a secret from friends and family, but many say they aren't fooled, unlike the refs in Week Two's Panthers/Falcons game.
"I caught him checking out a football blog the other day, and he tried to pass it off as ironic reading," said colleague Jim Cranston. "He was like, 'Oh, haha, wouldn't it be hilarious if we actually did read this stuff?' But then he just kind of sat there scrolling his mouse up and down until I eventually walked away."
Winn's mother, Lynn, said that she "couldn't help but notice his new high-def TV when I visited last week, and I don't buy his excuse that he bought it just for Discovery Channel HD. Who wants to see those 'MythBuster' weirdos any clearer than they already are?"
Of course, Winn would, because he's a nerd. But he does admit that his new television set has seen just as much NFL Network as it has Discovery Channel.
"I can't believe I've spent time watching a channel entirely dedicated to football...it's completely, ah, whack," he said, before exclaiming, "Dear God, my vocabulary!"
Dr. Jane Fulmer, a prominent sociologist, says Winn is so uncomfortable because he's attempting to enjoy something outside of what his established identity says he should, and that he should immediately give up.
"Nerds can't like football," she scoffed. "Go read a book, egghead. Not one about football, though."