Michael Vick Somehow Refrains From Murdering Puppies On Football Field
Despite his known history of running dogfighting rings, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick showed inexplicable restraint today, appearing to pass on murdering or maiming any animals during his team's match against the Kansas City Chiefs.
In fact, Vick's first regular season game since before his time in prison (he was permitted to play football there, but only arena league) was notable only for its complete lack of notability, much to the consternation of analysts.
"Okay, hold the phone: here comes Michael Vick!" said color commentator Solomon Wilcots excitedly as Vick poised to begin his first play of the game. "I don't see any animals or large knives in his hands, but we'll see what happens, folks!"
Vick took a fake handoff on the play. Nothing significant happened.
"Wow," Wilcots said uncertainly. "Uh, you can really see the emotional turmoil churning inside Vick's head. At this point, he's got to be wondering how much longer he can go before the murderous bloodlust inside him takes control, and forces him into the stands to grab the most dog-like-looking child he can find. And when that happens, these fans are not going to like that."
Vick would later try two passes, both of which were incomplete. He also ran the ball for seven yards, even though there was no "Free Dogfighting Puppies Ahead" sign to guide him along.
28 year-old Shania Fulton, who was in the stands at Philadelphia watching the game, says she was pleased that Vick got to play, but disappointed that he didn't bring any "razzle-dazzle" to the game -- either through tricky plays or cracking open the skull of Chiefs quarterback Kurt Warner in order to feast on his brain.
"It's almost like he was just a normal player out there today, instead of the half-crazy, half-superhuman guy we all know and love him as," said a puzzled Fulton. "I guess we were all just waiting for the real Michael Vick to show up, but he never did. Maybe the rain weakens his powers?"
But not all Eagles fans were glad to see Vick. Some say the team's willingness to sign a player who once did something wrong is evidence that the entire organization is corrupt, incompetent, and terrible.
"This guy is a monster," seethed Jordan Ralmer, a lifelong Eagles fan who is protesting the team by only watching them play on TV when Vick is not murdering an animal. "Federal prison couldn't even hold him, because he got released at the end of his sentence. What does that tell you?"
At a post-game press conference, Vick gave his thoughts on the game, but did not comment on whether or not he is actually a cybernetic organism designed only to kill and play football.
"I've pretty much seen everything that Kansas City was going to do," he said. "I wouldn't say that everything they did was pretty much vanilla; it's somewhat complex, but similar to a lot of the different looks I've seen in the 3-4 defense."
"Jesus Christ," one reporter whispered to another. "This guy is completely insane."