Accused Murderer Justifies Killings By Eating Subway Prior To Crime
Donald Hartman, a 36 year-old Philadelphia man suspected of killing five people last night in a grisly street shootout, is pleading for a pardon from his crime due to the fact that he consumed a healthy Subway sandwich earlier in the day, an act he claims compensates for the murders.
There are currently several commercials in rotation for the sandwich chain detailing how negative behavior can be offset by eating at Subway; a man dresses up as a cheerleader in front of his house, for example, horrifying his wife but becoming immune to her reproach due to his consumption of Subway earlier in the day. Hartman claims his case is simply no different.
"I ate a BMT earlier before my murders, and I have the receipt to prove it," he said firmly, waving the receipt in the air as he was taken into custody. "Legally, I should be free to go."
And although the victim's families do not agree, Philadelphia police are strongly considering Hartman's reasoning.
"There's no doubt that the murders Mr. Hartman is accused of are heinous crimes," said the District Attorney, "but, well, he did eat an Atkins-approved Subway sandwich earlier in the day. That's got to count for something."
John Hayden, one of the policemen who apprehended Hartman, agreed.
"In this day and age, when everyone in America is getting fatter and fatter, it's one hell of a thing to eat at Subway, and try and lose nine million pounds like that guy Jared did," said Hayden wistfully. "So what if Donald killed a few people? He had the resolve to try and lose a little weight before he did, and I think that's the mark of a true American hero."
Marcia Keys, another officer involved in Hartman's capture, even speculated that perhaps Hartman wasn't the murderer at all.
"He was on the scene with a recently-fired pistol in his hands, sure," she admitted, "but who in this city hasn't recently fired a gun? The fact of the matter is, I just have a hard time that someone who ate at Subway could go and kill five people."
Hartman's case is growing high-profile enough for the entire country to take attention; accused child molester Michael Jackson has already stepped forward to vouch that he has continuously eaten at Subway since 1989, thus rendering him immune to any negative accusations currently being thrown at him.
"I would never hurt a child," he said, "but if a child was to accidentally drink some wine that I had laying around and then climb into my bed with me in the room that I had done up to specifically appeal to his interests and encourage him to be relaxed and at ease, I'm just saying that would still be okay, because I had Subway that day."
Jackson then brushed his hands in satisfaction and said, "There, that ought to jumpstart those record sales."
But while it may be a godsend for some, others see the trend as concerning, something that will encourage unabashed crime and destruction throughout the country.
"If people feel protected by the Subway factor, what's to stop them from committing all sorts of crimes?" said one woman fearfully. "A sense of right and wrong? Good luck!"
But a Subway spokesperson says the nation should not feel guilty for anything done after the consumption of a healthy Subway sandwich.
"After eating a sandwich that's approved by the latest trend-diet, you've earned a reward," the spokesperson said with a smile. "And if you want your reward to be a few prostitutes or some blow, well, that's your prerogative. Just as long as you're not fat."
The spokesperson then took a bite of an Italian hoagie and jammed a knife in the eye socket of a nearby reporter, shouting that he was "sick and fucking tired of all this press conference shit."