Northern Gulf Coast Rocked Like Hurricane

The U.S. Northen Gulf Coast region, including much of Louisiana, continues to suffer under the devasting force of what observers describe as "rock", in what looks likely to be the worst natural musical disaster of 2005.

The swath of destruction, which began this morning and lasted all day, rocked buildings to rubble and submerged entire portions of several cities and towns in a watery substance that scientists say is a byproduct of the rocking, attributed to German hard rock band the Scorpions.

"Here I am," announced singer Klaus Meine menacingly as panicked Baton Rouge citizens fled.

At least five people were killed instantly by the hurricane-like force pouring from the guitars of Matthias Jabs and Pawel Maciwoda, with other deaths feared, as many people are missing after fleeing from the band; officials say they are worried the citizens were so fixated on not hearing the band that they may have inadvertently run into bodies of water and drowned.

Some people, such as Cathy Rudgers of Mississippi, had left their homes in advance when warning of a Scorpions tour began to spread. When Rudgers returned, however, she found nothing but rubble and some dazed-looking groupies.

"Why here?" she sobbed. "Maybe they like this sort of thing in Germany, but not here!"

Many of those that did stay in the region and managed to survive seemed listless and distant in the aftermath of today's events.

"After seeing something like this...who wants to live anymore?" said one man sadly.

A few newscasters kept running blogs of the destruction, providing a chilling insight into what went on at ground zero of the performance.

"7:50 AM - Scorpions have officially made landfall, but no sign of them yet," CNN's Miles O'Brien wrote. "I'm a little curious to see what the fuss is about -- I was more into the Bowie sort of scene when they were big in the U.S."

"8:17 AM - They have arrived in Baton Rouge. Doesn't seem too bad yet, a little cheesy. No lyrics yet, but the winds seem to be picking up a little."

"8:48 PM - Oh Jesus"

"12:46 PM - My body is starts to shout. Desire is coming, it breaks out loud."

"2:44 PM - please sonebody kdill mne"

Other journalists bravely attempted to report live from the scene of the rocking, only to perish or become assimilated into the chaos, such as the tragic case of CNN's Anderson Cooper.

"What do you mean, do my job," he said into the camera in a strange-sounding faux-German accent. "My job is to sing. I need to return to Rüsselsheim."

Fellow reporter Kathleen Koch would only smile dementedly and say that it was "love at first sting" before bounding away to find bad hair spray.

Many of those who fled to churches and other religious structures were not spared from the band's wrath, despite their best efforts.

"It is obvious that God doesn't care about us," said one bitter man after being not only rocked in a hurricane-like manner, but also bitten by the Scorpions' opening act, Whitesnake. "What kind of God would subject somebody to these bands?"

There are reports that small aftermath storms, such as Good Charlotte, may hit the area to provide further pain and suffering, but these cannot be confirmed.

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