Man Regrets Hitting It Off With Ugly Chick
Local dude Martin Hibben expressed profound horror and dismay after making an overwhelmingly positive impression on local ugly Jeanette Broachaw, the terrified unplanned suitor told the press today.
The unintentionally amiable presentation of himself occurred at Gamekeeper's Bar and Grille on Saturday night, when Hibben and friends Joe Cullom and Ben Lawson had settled into the establishment for the evening.
"I was personally distraught at watching our weekly philandering session disintegrate when Marty actually made this nasty chick feel good about herself," said Cullom in reference to his friend's unwanted success with Broachaw, "but I can't imagine the shame that Hibben must be feeling right now. It was painfully obvious that they were leagues apart, but for some reason -- some gentlemanly bullshit or something -- he didn't tell this chick to go climb back into her bell tower so he could go somewhere else and make something of his evening. What an asshole."
Hibben claims to have had the sensation of being "possessed" and out of control as he accidentally wooed the homely Broachaw. Unable to stop the torrent of endearing qualities that emitted from his words and actions, Hibben resigned himself to being liked against his will.
"I couldn't help it," moaned a perturbed Hibben, "but there I was, throwing my A-game at her all night, when all I wanted to do was pull some puss with the other girls in the bar who I could actually stand to be seen with in public."
Hibben contends that his generally affable personality coupled with nonchalance and indifference made him irresistible to Broachaw, with whom he wanted nothing to do. He also expressed confusion as to why such a performance can't be executed around the more attractive members of the female species, but that the task at hand is to undo the damage done.
"Too bad that Marty couldn't have thrown that kind of vibe at some chick he actually wanted to take home that night," said Lawson, "but even if he could recover after that experience, just being next to that chick for any amount of time brought down a crushing pall over the rest of the night. Even if we'd gone [across the street] to Stanley's [Tavern], her lingering effects would have made him a pariah for sure."
Hibben said that he reached unfathomable depths when he finally gave in to Broachaw's request for his phone number.
"I can't believe I did that," said the crestfallen bachelor. "I guess I felt sorry for her at the time, and it was pretty obvious that she thought that things were going well, so it would have been a little obvious if I had made up some flimsy excuse as to why she couldn't have my digits. Still, I I should have given her a bogus number, or at least the number to over-eaters anonymous."
"Looks like the joke's on me," concluded Hibben.
Experts have identified Hibben's unfortunate condition as endemic of men of his age and disposition who possess a respectable knowledge of literature, music and other fine things, which tends to confuse or repulse would-be sexual partners whose shapely hips and nice rack compensate for lacking knowledge of the lesser works of George Elliot. The very ability to attribute quotes to Blake and Emerson has the unfortunate side-effect of attracting females who, in vain attempts to make up for physically resembling Blake and Emerson, pay attention to that shit.
"Mr. Hibben," said psychologist and intra-personal relationship expert Phillip R. Snavely, "should never have let on to the fact that he has read books neither having pictures nor penned by Dan Brown if he wanted to avoid contact with members of the lower-regions of single society. That sort of mistake will only encourage the advances of those who rely on such things as brains and personality to achieve their goals in life. We can only hope that some day man will learn from his mistakes and center every conversation around the season finale of 'Lost' or 'Scrubs', if not the weather."
Witnesses did say, however, that Hibben attempted at various times to make himself undesirable by flippantly disregarding many of the opinions expressed by Broachaw, by giving short and often one-word answers to questions and other forms of general assholery.
"His body language was saying, 'leave me alone', as was his actual language," said bartender Tim Dresden, who has seen Hibben and friends at Gamekeepers before. "Unfortunately, she all but got the message, and I don't know what he could have done short of call her a 'fat bitch' to keep her from making those cross-eyed bambi-eyes at him."
While friends and acquaintances expressed relief that Hibben did not 'hook up' with the cloying Broachaw, the moonstruck pursuer expressed hope and anticipation of better things to come.
"I found his apathy to be so attractive, and I know that he was just holding back from letting everything out at once," said Broachaw as she pawed the napkin on which Hibben's number is almost-illegibly scrawled. "I can't wait to get together with him soon and really get to know him. Maybe he just needs the right girl to get him to open up."
Hibben has since expressed interest in joining the Army.