Ford To Market Car Bomb Models In Iraq
Financially ailing Ford Motor Company announced today a bold new marketing initiative to increase sales, revealing that because its discontinued Tempo model has become such a favorite platform for Iraqi car bombers, it will aggressively seek to expand its share of the exploding overseas IED market.
"It's a win-win situation for us," Ford marketing guru Cole "Crank" Case said. "We get to move lots of new cars that will be destroyed without any warranty claims. And the collateral damage to other vehicles will increase overall demand. It's a no-brainer."
Ford will be challenged, however, to preserve the qualities that have made the Tempo such a terrorist favorite.
"For one thing, it's a piece of junk that no one wants to keep around very long," Case observed. "And for another, no one would be caught dead driving one. It gives a suicide bomber an especially strong reason to avoid detection."
Mr. Case was not at liberty to identify the current model that Ford will be promoting in the Middle East.
"Let's just say that 'Fusion' has a nice incendiary ring to it, especially to Iranians," Case replied. "Whichever model we choose, it will have to have the same qualities of easy disposability and scant owner attachment which have made the Tempo so famous."
As a concession to the Bush administration, Ford will be shipping its new vehicles through Iran.
"That way the State Department can claim that these are Iranian weapons," Case stated. "Whatever floats their boat."
Some Senators have expressed reservations about Ford's plan.
"They're going to do what?" spluttered Sen. Charles Schumer of New York. "If it were up to me, I'd ban all automobiles in Iraq and force them to blow up camels. At least that way we'd finally get over the hump in Iraq."
American military commanders, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed cautious endorsement of the plan.
"We already automatically gun down any Ford Tempo that we see," said one top brass under condition of anonymity and permission to have this reporter report him as dead to his commanding officer. "Knowing beforehand the preferred make and model the car bombers use will make it that much easier for us to cull them from the herd."
Shiite militia leader Maqti al Sadr showed grudging admiration for the plan.
"Everyone knows that we don't blow up Toyotas or Mercedes. Those cars are much too well made just to blow up willy-nilly. Fords, on the other hand, are perfect."
Ford expects to sell at least 3,000 vehicles in Iraq's burgeoning car bomb market in the next six months.
"Sales are going through the roof," spokesman Case said. "We see explosive growth for at least the next two quarters, and we finally have a doorbuster sale that lives up to its name."