95 Percent Of Americans Are Offended

A recent study revealed that anywhere from two thirds to three quarters to five fifths of the American public has been offended and shocked.

"I've been deeply offended and hurt," said a recent graduate from the Moody Bible Institute who referred to himself only as Dom. "My God, I can't think of anything more offensive! I'm so offended I can hardly breathe!"

Though it seems as though most Americans are currently and ubiquitously upset, the cause of the offense is harder to define and can even vary from person to person. However, Gill Haupt, leader of Americans Against Seeing And Hearing Things (AASAHT), believes his organization "knows offensive things when we see or hear or smell or taste them."

"There are just too many things that us and our children see every day. Then you have all the sounds!" he said, shaking his head. "I really think the government should be regulating what kind of stuff we can see and watch. That's my right as an American."

Sociologist and member of the team that completed the study Trey Reader believes that it isn't surprising that so many Americans are offended simply because there's nothing most of them can do about it.

"I mean, on the hand, it is a really shocking revelation, to find that so many Americans are deeply traumatized when many of the most vocal complainers have comfortable income levels and better living conditions than 90% of the world," he said. "But when you think about it, it really makes sense. There's so much that is offensive out there, what is an American to do? Let other people enjoy what they want and focus on their own lives? Sure, and then we'll all ride unicorns off into the sunset."

Responding to news of the study, auto mechanic Dale Bruce said, "I can't believe that, according to some bullshit study, so many people are offended all the time. Jesus Christ, that really bothers me!"

When told of Bruce's comments, Reader admitted he was highly offended that an auto mechanic would criticize his team's work.

"You should use your words more carefully, asshole," he scolded Bruce.

Regardless of citizen reactions, the team's data is clear: levels of offendendicity are higher now than at any other point in American history, including the periods before, during, and immediately after the Civil War as well as the periods during and immediately after Roseanne's rendition of the national anthem, with no signs of subsiding. The high numbers have even prompted President Bush to push for special Congressional legislation that would set up a color-coded system to keep the American public aware of heightened sensitivity levels.

The system would progress from blue to red, blue being "All Seems Well, But Watch Out For Hidden Motives And Secret Biases" to red, which represents "So Offensive You Might Spontaneously and Unconsciously Masturbate". The legislation is currently being bitterly debated in Congress, as some lawmakers have taken offense to it.

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