Buffalo Sue Union Pacific, Demand Reparations
Jumping on the bandwagon of the Jews, who are seeking legal actions against the Germans for the Holocaust (as well as the Black Panthers, who are looking for payment from the US government for the past slavery of the African American people), the buffalo announced today that they are suing the Union Pacific Railroad for damages suffered to them in the past.
The buffalo's lawsuit concerns a period of time in the mid-1800's, a time which they are referring to as the "Holocaust of Buffalo". They claim that the Union Pacific promoted the shooting of buffalo by passengers on their trains, so as to ensure that the rails would not be blocked by crossing herds. Due to this "senseless, violent action", the buffalo's numbers -- which had previously ranked in the millions -- decreased to mere thousands.
George Taggart, a spokesman for the railroad, denies any responsibility for the actions taken against the buffalo in the past.
"All that happened such a long, long time ago," he said. "We can't be blamed for the actions taken by our ancestors."
Another issue to be faced in the buffalo lawsuit, however, is less cut-and-dry: the glorification of "Buffalo" Bill Cody, who was said to have killed over 4000 buffalo in less than two years.
"The news of 'Buffalo' Bill's exploits was spread to the Indians like smallpox through infected traded blankets," said Robert Avery, the buffalo's lawyer and member of the Chocran Group. "Except Bill's alleged massive buffalo killing spree was promoted as a good thing. Unlike smallpox, which would be...bad."
Looking nonplussed, Avery continued, "He [Bill] was turned into a role model. Plain and simple."
But was it a role model of "evil", as some are suggesting? According to Avery, "yes, it was."
"How would you like it if your child came home from school and said he wanted to be Adolf Hitler when he grew up?" he challenged. "This is pretty much the same thing."
William Cody IV, the great grandson of "Buffalo" Bill who is currently serving a life sentence in Oaks County Penitentiary for shooting a man in a buffalo costume, stands by his great grandfather's actions.
"He was nothing like Hitler," he said, scoffing. "For one thing, Hitler had a mustache. My great grandfather had a beard. And the list just goes on."
But even though Cody and Taggart alike are vehement in their denials, many critics are advising that future statements come from their lawyers, as the lawsuit at hand is potentially exceedingly financially damaging to all parties involved; the buffalo's lawyers price the cost of a public apology from the U&P railroad and the estate of William F. Cody -- as well as other lesser-known "buffalo murderers" -- at a cool 100 million dollars for punitive damages.
"Sure, it's not a small sum," said Avery, "but what price can you put on life?"
Indeed, how does one price life? In this case, should the buffalo win, the amount works out to roughly 100 dollars per buffalo...a sum, many are quick to point out, that falls far short of the current going price of ground beef, which falls somewhere in the vicinity of 99 cents a pound.