Americans Begin Lent, Promise To Quit Chocolate, Lose Weight For Christ

The season of Lent is seen by Christians as one of sacrifice and renewal – a season that celebrates the risen Lord by using His resurrection as inspiration to begin losing the holiday pounds that were packed on during the months that celebrate His birth.

From Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday do Christians from all over the world, and especially in America, go prostrate in honor of Christ's sacrifice by making an effort to drop a bad habit. Most popular in years past have been masturbating only three times a day, drinking only when alone or when with somebody, and flushing after every third use at least. This year, though, many Christians have gleefully found a correlation between being carb-conscious and having a guilty-conscience and have made a marriage of the two, not allowing the fact that nowhere in the Bible or even in the annals of most sect of Christianity is weight loss mentioned to stop them from squeezing into that bathing suit.

"I've been meaning to cut out chocolate from my diet for a long time now," said office manager Suzanne Greenberg, 37, of Scranton, PA, "and I figured that while I was at it, I might as well make it a sacrifice for the Lord."

Greenberg's self-imposed onus is not rare amongst females aged 25-55 who have asses sized to match their piety.

"I figure if Jesus could die for my sins, I could make an effort to diet for a month or so, then gradually gain the weight back as my interest in my diet inevitably wanes in the absence of guilt-tripping," she said, bowing her head solemnly. "It's the least I could do for Him."

The male asceticism, while of a different nature, has also expanded the definition of Lenten altruism to include "buffing up" for the spring mating season. Though losing weight seems to be less important amongst men than increasing bedroom stamina or giving better cunnilingus, many have opted to adhering to a strict schedule of "getting ripped for the Rapture".

"It was time to work off those extra pounds," said day camp counselor Greg Orten, "and I figured that that whole Biblical 'pound-of-flesh' thingy would apply to my workout routine, which I now give as a sacrifice to Jesus."

Dropping a dumbbell and checking his bicep for changes, Orten added, "The path to Heaven is narrow, but I'm the most humble person I know, and with sacrifices like this, I'm going to enter with a ticker tape parade."

Weight loss, however, is not the only popular Lenten resolution this season. Promises to drink less, be less profane, and to fuck that girl in the hot shorts have all been made with Holy intentions.

"Though I am a raging alcoholic and prone to violence, I thought that Christ would at least appreciate my ostensible attempt to cut back," said unemployed systems analyst Gerald Hanson, "and downgrading from Jim Beam to Burgundy is technically a move in the right direction."

Slowly raising his glass of wine from the bar and claiming to be doing his best impression of the miracle at Kana, Hanson called out, "Here's to you, JC!" before swallowing the contents in one devout gulp.

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