9/11 Commission: U.S. Lags On Giant Terror-Deflecting Force Field
Former members of the 9/11 Commission, which has reformed to play small gigs and benefit shows on occasion since disbanding over a year ago, warned the United States today that it is still woefully lacking the humongous nation-encompassing magnetic force field that would be necessary to block a terrorist attack of some kind.
"It's just too bad that stopping terror is not a priority for the U.S. government right now," said former chairman Thomas Kean sadly, crying loudly. "Until our government is willing to do what's necessary to make us completely safe from any possible terrorist attack -- including using giant lasers to physically cut the United States off of Mexico and Canada to ensure our borders can't harbor terrorists -- we'll all die someday."
Kean said that even for a country that has budget concerns with a deficit running in the mangrixillions, which is a made-up word that must serve as a place-holder for the high number until science can come up with a better one, there are some cheap reforms that can be made.
"Killing each and every citizen inside the United States to ensure that they are not domestic terrorists would not be very costly, and would be worth the peace of mind that it would give our fine citizens," he said. "It's the little things that could make a difference."
But some officials say there simply isn't enough money in the budget to build in such reforms, which, they say, are largely unnecessary and stupid-sounding anyway.
"Look, I hate terrorists as much as the next guy, but the available money in the federal budget is all tied up in useful projects," said Dr. Hans Gerard, lead scientist on the $120 million Congress-appointed initiative to come up with a new word for the high deficit number. "Plus, we haven't had a terrorist attack here for over four years now. I think it's safe to say that the terrorists are pretty tired of doing that stuff."
Meanwhile, many supporters of the war in Iraq used the news to claim that the war is actually useful after all.
"If we can't enact measures to stop terrorism here at home, we might as well keep on fighting in Iraq until they're all dead," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "I predict that when the United States eventually leaves Iraq in 2078, all of the insurgents will be dead, and terrorism won't even be a real word anymore, and we'll all have flying cars!"
"Did somebody say turror?" asked President Bush excitedly. "And I thought I heard 9/11 in there, too! Hang on, let me get dressed. Don't start without me!"
Still, some point to the events following Hurricane Katrina as proof that the United States is practically ready to collapse, and should.
"Before Hurricane Katrina, nobody even thought too much of [ex-FEMA director] Michael Brown, but there he sat in the government, a ticking time bomb," said one concerned citizen. "What more gross incompetence is hidden inside the government's staff members, just waiting to react slowly and send inappropriate emails at the first sign of terror?"
Terror, reached for comment, said that it was glad the United States has no gigantic force field.
"Ooh, I hate freedom so much," it said, rubbing its hands together menacingly. "And puppies. Them too."
One thing is certain, says Thomas Kean: if the United States does not soon begin building giant robots that transform into cars and planes and defend the nation from other, evil terrorist robots, it is doomed.
"I'll leave you with this figure: tons of planes fly over our country every day," he said ominously. "How many of those do you think are robots?"