Area Man Succeeds Because He Set His Mind To It
24 year-old Quakertown, PA resident Harold Freeburn reported yesterday quitting his job in favor of an impressive new position -- the President of the United States.
Freeburn, who will take power immediately barring former President Bush setting his mind to reclaiming his title, credits his career move to "just plain old putting my mind to it".
"My mother always told me, 'Harold, you can do anything you set your mind to,'" he recalled in a press conference held in the Oval Office, where someone -- presumably Freeburn himself -- had painted "Harold Rulez This Place" all over the walls. "And you know something? She was right."
"Of course!" gasped Senator John Kerry after hearing the news. "Why didn't I think of that?"
Freeburn set his mind to the task of attaining the U.S. presidency on Friday after a dispute with his boss at his old job, a meat processing facility.
"I told him that I was only working a half day because it was Thanksgiving weekend and I was fucking tired, and he told me to go to hell," Freeburn said. "That pissed me off, but instead of grumbling and groaning to myself or peeing in his coffee, I went to the bathroom, sat down, and thought real hard about becoming the President. When I came out, they were announcing it on the news."
Freeburn hastily added that he did not set his mind to killing his boss, who died that same day due to what doctors call "heart explosion".
Donald Samson, a motivational speaker,, credited Freeburn's promotion to "focused positive thinking".
"Human beings can do anything they want if they just believe in themselves!" he said, beaming. "That's the message I try to spread to kids all over the U.S. when I speak at their schools, which I've been doing for the past 20 years: that if they just try hard enough, they can do anything they want and never be disappointed. I know it worked for me!"
Samson then excused himself, extending silvery wings from his back and flying off to Mars.
Janice Foght, who claims to have been back in time at least 25 times to date, is one of Samson's success stories.
"When I was a kid, I always wanted to travel back in time to bring back my long-gone father," she explained. "So one day, after hearing Mr. Samson speak at my school, I set my mind to doing it, and before I knew it, I had succeeded."
Foght added that the tire on this reporter's car would go flat if he didn't steer around the glass in his parking space when he left, smiled knowingly, and disappeared.
So what of the millions of Americans, let alone people in other countries, whose dreams constantly go unfulfilled, nevermind their basic needs of food and shelter? Samson, who teleported back from Mars to address the issue, believes they must not want these things enough.
"If you're homeless and hungry, well gee whiz, get some food and a house!" he said, laughing. "I mean, it isn't rocket science here. These people must've never had someone tell them when they were kids about believing in themselves and achieving their dreams and seeing the glass half-full."
"I BELIEVE IN MYSELF TURKEY!" he screamed, causing a plump cooked bird to appear in front of him.
For Freeburn, however, the science behind his promotion isn't important -- he now has a country to run.
"I think I'll take a nap," he mused. "Isn't that mostly what the President does?"
"Yes," grumbled former President Bush, who was removing the last of his belongings from the Oval Office. "And as soon as I figure out how to think harder, it'll be me sleeping here again."