Gopher Gets Into Root Cellar, Makes Local News Headlines

The small rural town of East Greenville, Pennsylvania was rocked today with the news that a gopher -- or possibly gophers -- chewed its way into the root cellar of local woman Ida Rainer, eating "at least three weeks' worth" of several different types of roots.

Sheriff/Fire Chief/4th grade teacher/grocery clerk Jed Thompson said the news is "unbelievable", and has put the entire three-mile town into a state of shock.

"This is probably the most important thing to happen around these parts since the small flood in 1932," he said, shock still imprinted on his face from hearing the news. "I know some of those big cities might not think so, but they don't have to deal with gophers in their root cellars, do they?"

"I mean...gophers," he added, shaking his head. "Can you believe it?"

Thompson's deputy, who also serves as the town's postman, mechanic, and tax collector, recalled the crime scene with some difficulty.

"It was damn near the sickest thing I've ever seen," he said bluntly, unconsciously clenching and unclenching his fists. "Roots just...strewn every which way. Dirt mounds everywhere. That son of a bitch gopher really did a job."

Ida Rainer, the cellar's owner, was reached for comment in the hospital she is currently being kept in after fainting and breaking her hip for the 19th time upon witnessing the carnage in her cellar.

"The doctors say I'm in stable condition," she said, her face stamped with pain, "but I just don't know if I want to live anymore. A life with my root cellar in shambles is a life not worth living."

Many East Greenville residents reflected Rainer's grim sentiments upon interview.

"I opened up the paper [The Country Call] this morning expecting to read the usual front page news about old Farmer Grayson's latest harvest, or maybe even a police bust on some kids from the high school drinking moonshine," said resident John Kelson. "Instead, I get this...atrocity about a gopher attack. I tell you, it's not something I enjoyed reading while eating my breakfast this morning."

"I just don't know if I can feel safe anymore with gophers on the loose," said another man. "I mean, I keep asking myself: am I next?"

"The paper shouldn't have reported no gopher attack," opined old Farmer Grayson. "People don't need to know about crap like that. Stirs up anger and hoopla. What happened to the paper being about good news, like this year's corn crop?"

Grayson further commented that he was even contemplating moving to a town that was "less urbanized" and influenced by the media.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Thompson has promised his "full support" to apprehending the gopher(s) responsible for the invasion.

"I'll have both of my men on patrol for their whole shifts of 10AM to 3PM," he wildly promised, a crazy-yet-determined gleam in his eye. "The overtime and all of the manpower will play hell on the town's budget, but I don't think you can put a price on safety."

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