Arab Company Gives Port Operations To Dangerous American Company
A company owned by the United Arab Emirates, a government made up of Arabs, has decided not to go through with a deal that would've enabled it to control six American ports, instead opting to give control of the ports to an American company.
But many "true Americans" are concerned that this new company, like the U.A.E. before it, may not have the country's best interests in mind.
"It's out of the frying pan and into the fire as far as I'm concerned," said Cletus Jones, a Mississippi resident. "Those Arabs would've probably flown planes into our ports as soon as they got the chance, but what kind of ‘American' employees does this new company have? Blacks? Jews, for God's sake? Those ain't Americans in my book."
"What they don't tell you is that this new American company probably has an Arab or two on the staff, just waiting to plant a bomb," agreed Jones' wife, Cletrus. "Hell, they're everywhere now. I seen some just the other day at the gas station, trying to blow up my car as they filled it with gas from their stupid country."
Evidence that the American company set to take control of the ports is in fact un-American is mounting, say critics – like the fact that the company, being in America, must conform to equal-opportunity regulations.
"If I had to choose between a damn Jap working the shipyard and an Arab…I don't know, that's a tough choice," reasoned Jimius Yutz, professor of cultural and ethnic studies at Alabama State University. "Japs have just been waiting to get us back ever since they forced us to vaporize a large number of their civilians in World War II, and do I even need to say anything about the Arabs?"
He added, "They're all terrorists!"
Many are calling for a guarantee that all of the employees working for the company will be "pure, 100% white people". Some even want DNA and blood tests run to ensure the Americantude of those running the ports.
"These people need to be pure-blood original Americans," said Chief Running Bull of an Arizona Indian tribe. "I don't trust anyone else to have my best interests in mind."
"Whoa, wait a second," Cletus Jones said upon hearing this.
President Bush has commented that he is concerned about the message that is being sent with both the rejection of the Arab company, and now the "American" one.
"In today's modern world, it's important to not put forth an attitude of abject racism," he said. "And this is coming from someone who doesn't care about black people."
Some speculate that the negative reactions of an America pulling into itself and becoming more isolationist as a reaction to the increasingly difficult situation, or "clusterfuck", in Iraq.
"Americans want to tend to their own business and ‘purify' the nation," said Professor Yutz. "I'd say we can do this without destroying the economy."