Pending Sales Of Non-Homes Skyrocket

Pictured: one of many recently sold non-homes.

While most of the economy is showing signs of extreme duress, one bright spot is the number of non-homes anticipated to be sold, which rose to a historic high of 15%, according to a report released today.

Although non-homes -- which are defined by the Non-Homes Index as "anything that is definitively not a home, such as a portion of sidewalk or the space under a newspaper" -- do not usually cost money, they are often "purchased" using a barter system or territorial scent marking, which could help the economy.

"I saw one new non-home owner urinating near the spot he staked for himself outside my office building today," said Jon Startz, an analyst at Things And Non-Things Research, Inc. "That urine may eventually find its way into a sewer grate, contributing to the amount of water processing that the city does, and perhaps justifying the job of a city employee. It's literally trickle-down economics."

Traditional home buyers usually must obtain a line of credit to get a mortgage on their home -- a tough prospect in today's market. But purchasers of non-homes are only subject to their own standards, which are plummeting with each passing month.

"With the Standards Index falling, many people are now willing to get themselves the approval they need to own a portion of a refrigerator box or the underside of a park bench," Startz explained. "This is a market that's burning hot."

"If only we could invest in falling standards," Startz added, "we'd all be in a much better place right now."

Other factors attracting people to the non-home market include the ability to choose one's own neighborhood, school district, and proximity to the nearest beer distributor.

President-Elect Barack Obama has called on Congress to act swiftly in packaging an economic stimulus package, but in light of this news, some believe he may want to back off.

"Barack's plan was always predicated on the economy being in bad shape," confided one adviser who wishes to remain anonymous, "but if it's this easy for someone to get a non-home, things might straighten out on their own quicker than we thought."

This more positive attitude is buoyed by the recent news that the non-job market is also on the rise, which could contribute even further to a potential economic recovery.

"Yes, jobs do employ some people, but they also cost businesses a lot of money," said Startz. "With more people pursuing a career in the non-jobs market, more and more companies are suddenly free from their burdens of payroll, healthcare, and electricity to power all those lights and computers."

Startz envisions a future where the United States leads the way in a new type of non-economy, eventually pulling the rest of the world along with it.

"We've engineered our own special brand of hypercapitalism over these past several decades, but now we have to look to the future," he said. "There's a promising non-light on the horizon, and I think we'd all do well to slowly shuffle our way over to it."

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