Man Wants To Date French Woman, Unsure If It's Okay Yet
Paul Stuwart, a Tennessee resident, recently met a woman of French nationality whom he is "pretty sure" he is interested in romantically.
However, there is a catch.
"She's French," he explained, "and so I don't know if I can rightly date her yet, as an American citizen."
France's position concerning the U.S. invasion of Iraq -- which could be referred to as skeptical at best -- was a viewpoint that angered many Americans, including Stuwart.
"We saved their asses in the past," he said scornfully, "so therefore they should be completely in support of every single decision we make from now until the end of time. It's just common courtesy."
Due to the ill-will towards France felt by many, matters of a French nature were often touchy subjects once the war began, such as French Fries being renamed to "Freedom Fries", and "Frenchmen" being renamed to "Stupid Fucking Faggot Men". But many are quick to point out that although similar feelings of animosity and frivolous renaming of products occurred with Germany during World War II, things eventually returned to normal.
Stuwart's question, therefore, is simple: have things returned to normal yet?
"I don't want to do a disservice to my country by dating this French woman," he said, "but I also don't want to deny myself a chance to score if I don't have to."
To attempt to get his answer, Stuwart wrote to his state representative, but was met with a dead end.
"I wrote a polite letter asking if we were allowed to like French things and people again, but all I got in response was a stupid form letter," he complained. "It said, 'Dear voter, I have received your letter concerning France, and I am happy to say that I support America, and therefore hate them and anything affiliated with them.'"
"It was a nice letter and all," Stuwart added, "but it just seemed like it was a little old, and it didn't answer my question directly."
Stuwart also tried to consult friends and family about the matter, but was again met with failure.
"Most of the people I asked said, 'Why would we be angry at France?' which gave me some hope," he explained. "But after I reminded them, they always got angry. Like my brother said, 'Oh yeah, now I remember. Those stupid pussies.' So that was really no help either."
Faced with inconclusive data, Stuwart, afraid of telling her the truth, was forced to come up with excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't go out night after night.
"I've been telling her every one in the book," he admitted. "I told her that my head hurt, and that my brother died, and that I can't date her because she's French and un-American."
"Wait," he said after a moment's thought. "Shit."
We questioned President Bush about the matter, but his answer, following the trend, did not really put the issue to rest.
"Hating France, those were the days," he said fondly. "That was really something. I could sure use something like that now, on account of people like Howard Dean are landing me in some hot soup about stuff like the war, and the economy, and who the hell knows what else."
"You boys spread the word about France again!" Bush shouted at our reporter as he hastily made an exit. "That's a good idea!"
But good idea or not, it's little help to Stuwart.
"I just don't know what to do," he fretted. "I hope Jesus sees all the trouble I'm going through for His country."