Gas Prices Fall; Americans Glad To Not Have To Use Dormant 'Legs'
With Hurricane Rita having less of an impact than previously predicted, gas prices across the country are falling, instead of rising like "fuck fuck, fucking shit fuck" as analysts had predicted. And according to a survey of every single person that exists in the country right now, Americans from all social stratta and classes believe the relief came just in time, as some had been beginning to consider using long-dormant appendages called "legs".
"I was actually unfolding my foot tubes when I heard the news," said one resident, now carefully re-compressing her appendages into winter storage. "And I just stopped what I was doing, and thought, 'Thank the Lord. He giveth me my legs, and now he taketh away the threat of me having to use them againeth.'"
Though legs are only occasionally used for recreation, and then amongst those under 30, Americans say they were prepared for the worst possible scenario in order to make their legs a full-time ligament again, including walking to the gym for yoga and pilates sessions.
"Americans are willing to make sacrifices to account for the high price of gas, but those sacrifices have a point of termination," said economic analyst Katherine Vergos. "Sooner or later, people realized they were just going to have to stop driving as much, instead of constantly pushing elected officials to suspend already-low taxes on gasoline to further the illusion that it's a cheap commodity. They were ready to dig a little deeper by getting their legs ready for use after years of neglect and ennui. Thankfully, now that the crisis has abated, we can all forget about conservation."
But experts warn that in the future, gas prices could still go above $3 or even $5 a gallon, and that legs could once again become valuable and useful possessions, capable of transporting human beings short distances when gas is too costly to drive to the neighbor's house party, or to another room in the house.
"Legs, when you think about it, never really went away as a mode of transportation, but they have been largely ignored, much like push-powered scooters, roller skates and Cleveland's public transportation system," countered Shamtherine Kergos, another analyst. "It may be something of a shock for Americans to rediscover the sensation of using legs to carry them to friends' houses, grocery stores and hiking trail heads, but Americans are adaptable beings, having grown legs in the first place after eons of lacking them before the paleozoic era nearly 400 million years ago."
Kergos added that scientists believe the legs were grown as a response to the lack of cars available at the time.
Some citizens unwilling to make the change from driving to walking, Kergos went on, would be forced to cut expenses in other areas, such as oil-based crayons and paints for their children's art classes, or refraining from fertilizing their neighbors' lawns with BP high-grade petroleum. The truly dedicated could also switch from lawn mowers to hair clippers rather than force their sons and daughters to walk, run or bike to soccer practice.
"My children deserve the best, and if that means going a week without lunch money, then by God I'm still always going to drive them to soccer practice," said Linda Evans, mother of three. "Besides, you never know who might be lurking around the corner waiting to steal your kids and sell them into a sex slavery cabal in Venezuela, so it seems pretty clear to me that driving them everywhere, including to Judy's down the street for sleepovers isn't just prudent, but it's also safe."
It seems some lawmakers agree with Evans' point of view; a large number of government officials are moving to preemptively counter any walking movement that may arise in the future. Some Republican senators have warned the public about switching too quickly to alternate, non-fuel-based modes of transportation, citing "anti-Americanism" and "wasteful thrift" as the real, unseen reasons to the sudden change.
"America has gone through and will go through tough times, that is clear, but it is no excuse for the citizens to tuck tail and walk," sternly proclaimed Senator Ted Stevens (R, Alaska). "Even if the gulf coast is running on fumes, Alaska is prepared to step up to do what we can, and since we couldn't stem the tide of the Rita's storm-surge, we can at least get to drilling our national wildlife refuges to stem the tide of these exorbitant gas prices. That is if Americans give us a chance by not walking. Anywhere."