Child Wants To Be Total Asshole When He Grows Up
Greg Duchamp, 9, expressed to his peers over chocolate milk on Tuesday his career dream of becoming an asshole when he grows up, following in the footsteps of other proud assholes in his school, church group, and government.
It was during a paneled discussion with colleagues of the merits of being a dinosaur hunter, astronaut, fire fighter or fighter pilot when the charming third grader announced, by kicking his friend Sam in the shins, his intent to someday be a total prick.
"Little Greg appears to be far ahead of the rest of his peers in career focus and ambition," said middle school guidance counselor Mavis Marvins, who has already heard of the prodigious little shit through the school grapevine. "While most kids fritter away their formative years by harboring dreams of becoming a paleontologist, doctor, ninja or business man, the sky is the limit for Duchamp who, by being a total asshole, will have no trouble fitting into any lucrative profession he wants."
The parents of Duchamp are in no hurry for their little angel to grow up, but are thrilled at the interest he is taking in his future.
"He has always been good at saying things like 'thank you', and 'excuse me' to his elders, but just the other day I over heard him say to [his sister] Teresa, 'Move it or lose it, bitch!' when her toys were in his way between the TV and the kitchen," said father and used-car salesman Charlie Duchamp. "I don't know where he learned to talk like that, because it wasn't here at home -- unless he overheard me talking to [neighbor] Roy about the elderly driver I was stuck behind all the way home yesterday -- but it came out of his so fluidly you'd think he’d been talking that way for years."
The father expressed concern over his son's gift of treating people like shit, but hopes that such skills will come to his aid when he meets up with the potty-mouthed upper-grade kids when he gets to junior high in two years.
Most amazing to his parents is that their child understands that being a jerk all the time is counterproductive to getting his way. He is beginning to pick up the nuances, they say, of dicking someone over without them even realizing what a screwjob has just been pulled.
School counselors and teachers have also noticed an unusual aptitude and ambition in little Gregory, and have opted to encourage, not squelch, this behavior.
"Most children want to skip right to the good stuff, like discovering the world's biggest dinosaur or climbing the world's tallest mountain, without working hard at all the stuff that has to come first like math, reading and writing," said Duchamp's second grade teacher Marie Ashland. "Gregory, however, has shown not only a healthy curiosity, but a genuine understanding of the way the world works and appears to be well on his way to being a total asshole -- a skill with which he will be able to write his own ticket to wherever he wants to go."
Ashland foresees Duchamp making it far in life, and says that he has been delightful in class and is always the first to help clean up the messes made by other kids -- exactly what an asshole does when he wants something from you.
"It wouldn't surprise me if it were he who taped the pin on my chair last week," continued Ashland, "but he's such a fast learner and so ostensibly innocent that he knows that he'll never be accused of doing anything wrong, and you know what? He won’'! He's the best little asshole I've had in all my years of teaching!"
The young Duchamp is happy to talk to any adult within earshot of his insatiable appetite for all things related to the science of assholery, and can't wait to get old enough to fully understand it. Duchamp took some time out of his research, which consisted of watching selections of Dad's DVD collection including 'Glen Gary Glen Ross' and 'Bonfire Of The Vanities', to speak to reporters.
"I can't wait until I am old enough to call a friend a 'douche-bag-shit-fuck-face' and not get in trouble," said the feisty and goal-oriented third grader. "It's not fair that I have to wait so long until I can do the things that Mommy and Daddy do, like call Uncle Pat and Aunt Martha 'a couple of big-mouth fat-asses', because I tried calling my sister that once and got grounded. Not fair, not fair!"
Though discouraged by numerous setbacks such as time spent in the "time-out" corner and multiple trips to the principal's office, Duchamp clings to the promise of the day when he can, with impunity, exchange his favorite insult, "poopy head", for "shit-fer-brains."