Influence Of Class Of '76 Not Felt Outside Of Hometown

Contrary to claims made at Stanton High School's 1976 graduation ceremonies in Stanton, Iowa, none of the 26 graduating students have had any notable influence on world affairs outside of the town of Stanton, say a team of researchers dedicated to studying the matter.

The study, conducted over the last 28 years by University of Iowa researchers, demonstrated that while the class believed the world was "(theirs) for the taking," the majority of its members have spent the 25 years since graduation working entry or mid-level jobs and hanging out at Sorry Charlie's, a popular local bar.

Researchers say these findings directly contradict class valedictorian James Whetting's assertion in his commencement speech that the graduates were certain to make the world "a better place for (their) children."

"From the data, it's clear that they haven't even made much of an impact on the greater Montgomery County area," said researcher Gary Michalski. "So to say that they've made the world a better place for their children would be grossly inaccurate."

Michalski added: "Four of them have never even met their children."

Researchers also found strong evidence contradicting Whetting's claim that "if we were able to make it through four years of serious relationships, tough classes, and living with our parents – and all while being in boring old Stanton – nothing could possibly stand in our way now."

"This is just not true," said researcher Sarah Putnam. "I think the data pretty much speaks for itself on this one."

According to the study, of the 26 members of the graduating class, four planned on becoming doctors, three lawyers, and eight engineers, despite the fact that none had applied to college. The rest of the graduates were either going into construction or were still undecided on their career plans.

"It definitely didn't say under my picture in the yearbook that in 25 years, I saw myself as the day shift manager at the Taco Bell on Walnut," said '76 Stanton graduate Michael Safely. "But then again, I don't remember it saying under [classmate] Becky Lindeman's picture that she saw herself getting knocked up after graduation and having to get married, then divorcing me and taking all of my shit 20 years later either."

"I just never imagined that being a brain surgeon would have so many steep requirements," commented graduate Martha Janson, who is currently between jobs, but occasionally earns money by performing various stunts at Sorry Charlie's, such as performing the act of fellatio on empty bottles of Red Dog. "Like, apparently you have to get into college -- but to do that, you have to apply, and to even think about applying, you have to get what's called a 'GPA' or some shit. It's all one big scam."

"I was to be the greatest architect New York had ever seen, building various new Statues of Liberty all over the state," said graduate Phil Donner wistfully, scratching his face compulsively and twitching nervously. "And someday, I still will, right after you loan me a couple of bucks just to get things off the ground."

Donner then screamed that the "fucking spiders" were all over him, and dashed away.

While every speaker at the graduation ceremony predicted that the class would "leave their mark on the world" in some way, experts say that living and working in Stanton doesn't necessarily prevent them from doing so, despite the fact that none of the group has.

"There are many other things that one can do in order to have some impact on the world around them," said Stephen Rankle, professor of International Affairs at Columbia University. "They could travel, start an online business, or even just do some of that 'Dumbest Criminal' shit that always makes the national papers."

Ranckle added: "And with this group, my money would be on the last one."

Valedictorian Whetting, who now runs Stanton Lumber, said of the study's findings, "When I said that I could only imagine where we would all be in the 21st century, I didn't think that seven of us would be living on the same street. I guess that's pretty ironic. Sad, but ironic."

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