Lawsuit Filed After Jackson's 'Lewd Stunt' Causes Murder, Suicide, Uncontrollable Fornication

In the latest news concerning the showing of one of Janet Jackson's partially-naked breasts at this year's Superbowl, a Tennessee woman has filed a class action lawsuit against Jackson and others involved with the halftime show, claiming that the "incredibly lewd, disgusting, sick, disturbing, horrifying, Hitleresque act" caused her and millions of others around the world to engage in despicable, criminal activity after viewing the two-second nudity.

The woman, Rhea Actionary, said that the exposure to Jackson's breast, which was exposed briefly after a piece of her costume was torn off by giant walking tool Justin Timberlake, was easily the "worst thing in the entire world" for her and her family.

"There we were, just watching the Superbowl halftime show like any normal American family," she said, choking back sobs, "when all of a sudden, Janet Jackson's private feminine parts came flapping all over the screen, practically getting zoomed in on by all the cameras. Instantly, we all screamed, and my mother had a stroke, later dying in the hospital."

"God help her, she just wasn't used to seeing things like that!" she screamed in sudden anguish. "Things like breasts!"

Actionary added that the display of the breast, while only actually lasting about two seconds, felt like approximately "nine hundred billion years", causing "irreparable damage" to everyone in the room.

"There it was, with the Satan-nipple only mostly hidden by some kind of Wicca ornament," she said, clawing at her arms in an apparent attempt to keep from passing out from the painful memories. "Immediately, my four year-old son Jimmy said, 'Mommy, I want boobies! Boobies and sex! SEX FOR JIMMY!"

While Actionary attempted to calm her son, her 11 year-old daughter announced her intentions to become a crack-whore, and immediately grabbed the neighbor's 10 year-old boy and began initiating wild, lustful intercourse with him, while simultaneously doing a vial of crack-cocaine that had appeared in her hand in tandem with Jackson's breast.

"Then my father said, 'I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!' and shot my brother," Actionary remembered, openly sobbing. "The sight caused my husband's sister to shoot herself almost immediately."

Actionary's lawsuit is class-action because she believes that hers was not the only family affected negatively by Jackson's breast.

"I believe that there's millions of people out there who had something bad happen to them during or after that disgusting, despicable, bin Laden, Marilyn Mason halftime show," she said. "And while they may not realize it, it was probably caused by Janet Slutson throwing her body all over CBS' cameras. Those people deserve some compensation, I'd say."

Upon gathering some data throughout the nation, The Enduring Vision discovered that Actionary's theory did hold at least some weight.

"Some time after the Superbowl was over, I took an extremely large and painful shit," said one Chicago man. "I initially thought it was because of the significant amounts of beer and junk food I consumed while it was on, but now I see that it was really Janet Jackson's horrific, sexually-arousing breast that did it."

"Shortly after Janet Jackson showed her breast, my power surged and the clock on my microwave got reset," said a New York man in anguish. "It was a horrible experience, and I'm sure it would not have happened if Jackson could contain her urges for five god damned seconds."

"Four years ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer," said a Pennsylvania woman bitterly. "Thanks a lot, Janet Jackson."

Jackson is now officially "uninvited" from the Grammys this year, a move many find "justifiable".

"I didn't tune in to watch four hours of near-senseless violence to see some lady's chest," said a Wisconsin woman. "That's just sick. So yeah, you're damn right she's banned from the Grammys, and probably planet Earth, next."

"I always thought Michael was the worst Jackson," said a Florida man sadly, shaking his head. "Now I know the real truth."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: