Man Constantly References Fact That He's Married
Matt Trotter, quality control engineer, 25, never "shuts the fuck up" about being married, sources close to him say. Even during times that mentioning one's marriage would normally be considered unusual -- including during working hours, drinking bouts, or while watching stolen cable porn -- Trotter will invariably remind all present company that he and his wife Janis are, in fact, married.
Expressing nostalgia for the "Old Trot", meaning an atavistic and independent version of his recently-deceased/hitched friend, friend and best-man Jackson Erickson recalled a time when the words "tits", "shit" and "fuck" were as popular in Trotter's vocabulary as the word "married" is now.
"We can't watch 'American Wedding' without [Matt] going, 'Oh, I know what that's like' or 'I've been there before' at least once a minute," said Erickson. "I know that getting married is a big deal and all, but can't he leave it at home?"
Some aspects of Trotter's Holy Matrimony, however, are welcome in discussion, say friends; accounts of Trotter's bachelor party and tales of promiscuous behavior on behalf of the bridesmaids are warmly received by Erickson and others close to the newlywed.
"Man, I could talk about Matt's bachelor party all night," laughed groomsman Eric Corbin as he showed reporters the business card he was given by house-call stripper 'Kandi Kane' during the pre-marital revelry. "You should see the mark she left on Matt's ass!"
After cachinnating heartily, however, Corbin's mood changed abruptly and his face became pale.
"You can't even discuss [the bachelor party] with him, though," he glumly continued, "because he'll kill it by saying something like, 'Can you believe I actually did it?' or 'Being married is great.' I mean, that was a sweet night, so why does he always have to bring the whole marriage thing into it? It's like everything reminds him of his wedding these days."
The problem first became evident not long after Trotter had returned from his honeymoon, at which time Trotter mentioned Janis' name during an ad hoc porn-viewing session with approximately six friends. Despite having been mostly silent for the first five minutes during the plot introduction, sources say that Trotter basically "single-handedly limp-dicked the whole room" with yet another inappropriate marital reference.
"Man, Janis did that to me once on our honeymoon," Trotter is purported to have said, referencing a scene in which Sylvia Saint enters into a nearly impossible vertical position without interrupting coitus, according to traumatized witnesses.
Though sources close to Trotter claim that Janis is "cool", most are unanimously agreed that the recurring motifs of marriage, commitment and love in Trotter's vernacular all speak of a deeper personal problem with Trotter.
"You'd think that he lives with her," complained bartender Jim Donaldson, who serves Trotter regularly at local establishment "Duffy's Pub". "I don't know what kind of fucked up marriage they have, because my wife and I don't even talk to each other and you don't hear me blabbing about her while I'm on the job, do you?"
Donaldson continued to explain that despite Trotter's knowledgeable and opinionated stances of various team sports, popular music and craft beers, his favorite topic now always seems to "have something to do with the ring on his finger."
"It's always 'My wedding was this' and 'My wife is that'," mocked Donaldson, who said he would soon be cutting Trotter off unless he prefaces every comment about his wife with the phrase "That fucking bitch".
"Or he can add a little 'I hate her' or 'That whore' when he's done speaking about her," the bartender suggested. "I don't care what he does, as long as all this 'life is beautiful' comes to a stop."
