Local Child Discovers 'Fuck'
Eight year-old Richie Harding of Quakertown, Pennsylvania reportedly discovered the obscenity "fuck" late last Thursday night, according to reports from friends and family, and has already succeeded in using it proficiently in at least eight sentences the following day at school.
Mother Jane Harding says she first learned of her son's discovery when he was requested to go up and wash up for bed, to which he replied "I'm not fucking tired."
"I was completely shocked," Harding said. "Primarily because he knew that word, but also because he had already advanced far enough in his analysis of the word to be able to use it as an adjective."
Harding quickly attempted to explain why using the word was wrong, but was thwarted by her son's incessant questioning.
"I told him he couldn't use it because it was rude, but he asked me why it was rude, and there went the ball game," she said. "I mean, I could've attempted to delve into the history of obscenities and explain that most are derived from old rules of lower-class versus higher-class languages that are largely irrelevant in today's society, but I don't think he would've understood. On the other hand, I didn't want to confuse him by explaining that there is no real reason for words to be obscene in the modern English language, and that it's just a nonsensical vestige of earlier times, like saying 'God bless you'."
Faced with a lack of an acceptable choice of explanation, Harding opted to sidestep the issue by saying, "Because it's just wrong," and sending her son to bed.
"I was hoping that would somehow nip the problem in its bud, but I knew in my heart it wouldn't," she said sadly. "Fuck is just too attractive a word to just forget about."
Harding's instincts proved correct, as peers and teachers reported Richie's continued usage of the word during school the next day.
"I had always prided my classroom on being obscenity free, but then that Harding bastard had to come and ruin everything," said Mrs. Joan Reed, Harding's math teacher. "As soon as he asked me what the fuck the answer to eight time eight was, I knew the classroom was fucked."
"Fucked right up the ass," she added with a sigh.
Conversely, many of Harding's peers were impressive with the new word, and began adding it to their lexicon instantly.
"I asked Richie what it meant, and he said he didn't know," said classmate Laura Jones. "But he said using it seemed to make the adults mad, which meant that it made him look cool. So I had to start using it, too."
"The fact that I can't say it makes it so much fucking fun to say!" exclaimed Jane Kerok. "Fucking fun, fucking fuck!"
The word's introduction to the other students prompted teacher Reed to hold an emergency meeting with Principal Ron Jones during recess, who expressed outrage "for some reason".
"Fuck if I know why our kids saying fuck should make me mad, but it does!" he said. "Hell, it has to, or the do-gooder parents will want my fucking head faster than you can say 'My god damned kid heard that word at your fucking school!'"
Secretary Martha Simpson agreed.
"There's just some things our kids shouldn't see or hear, like bad words and women's breasts," she said, shaking her head. "You can't really say a reason. It's just wrong, like a white woman marrying a nigger."
Science teacher Ron Kimball took his worries a step further, expressing fear that the current generation of children would grow up as criminals, having "seen and heard too much".
"When you have kids running around saying dirty words, it's not hard to imagine them taking the next logical step and putting a knife in somebody's head," he said, his eyes wide with fear. "And I don't want it to be my head!"
Johnson added that he would be stopping his own cursing, in order to encourage the children to stop as well.
"We don't need those words in our society, and I for one am taking a stand against it," he said firmly, striding out of the room.
Johnson then stubbed his toe on the doorframe, causing him to yell, "Fuck, my fucking toe!"
But while those at the school are concerned about the future of humanity, Richie Harding's father Jim is worrying about one thing: his son.
"At this point, his future is probably gone," he said glumly. "Really, the sooner I accept that, the sooner we can move on to our other kid. Maybe we'll do a better job at keeping him from all of the world's evils -- at least until he's 30."